What Lovemaking Means to a Man

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It is generally helpful to understand the needs and desires of a man.  By doing so, wives are better apt to understand and meet the needs and desires of their husbands.  We will discuss five of them.

1.  It satisfies his sexual drive- God designed man to be the aggressor, provider, and leader of his family.  Biologically this is also tied to their sex drive.  As a wife, you can’t love the way he leads and provides for your family and then hate that he always wants sex.  You simply can’t have one without the other.  The male body creates semen on a continuous basis.  Each drop of seminal fluid is said to contain as many as 300 million sperm. It’s possible to have 2 to 5 ejaculations a day. If unreleased through coitus, this can be very frustrating to his mental and physical well-being.  A normal and healthy man has a semen build-up every 42 to 78 hours that produces a pressure that needs to be released.  A variety of conditions will determine frequency of pressure including high stress at work, school, illness, financial or family problems and hormone levels.  To learn more about the male reproductive system, read our blog, “Male Reproductive System.” His sexual drive is a gift of God to produce the motivation for procreation, which is still the primary social purpose of humankind.  That gift influences not only sexual behavior but also his personality, work, motivation, and almost every other aspect.

 At times this can be frustrating to a woman who simply does not have that need as often.  However, attitude is everything.  If one is approaching sex as a duty to perform, the other spouse will catch on really quickly and the relationship will deteriorate.  Unless you change the mental attitude towards love making your love will be gone.  This is a time in which, you as a wife, can serve and bless your husband. Dr. Michelle Weiner-Davis (Weiner-Davis, 2003) explains: For some sexual desire- the urge to become sexual- doesn’t proceed feeling aroused; it actually follows it.  In other words, some people rarely (or never) find themselves fantasizing about sex or feeling sexual urges, but when they’re open to becoming sexual with their spouses anyway, they often find the sexual stimulation pleasurable, and they become aroused.  Once aroused, there is desire to continue.” Be open to getting in the mood, even when at first you are not. When a man has sex it releases oxytocin and vasopressin which increases his desire to cuddle and it creates within him a desire to be committed to the relationship, inspires his protective sense and drive to protect his territory and his offspring.  Women need that emotional connection before sex, but for men, that connection typically follows sex.   Be cautious in turning down your husband in his desires as he can see this as a rejection of him as a person and as a lover, which can be very hurtful to him and harmful to your relationship. Making love to a man, is exactly that, making love. When we continually turn them down, we are limiting his ability to feel connected and loved by you.  However, it is important to have some honest discussions of your needs as well.  Together you can find a perfect balance.

2.      It fulfils his manhood- A man can endure academic, occupational, and social failure as long as he and his wife relate well together, but success in other fields becomes a hollow mockery if he strikes out in bed.  When a man is struggling in his school, work, and professional life a wife has great power to uplift him by being more aggressive sexually.  During times of defeat, a husband’s fractured ego especially needs the reassurance of her love. Many husbands subconsciously fear that their wives endure lovemaking out of a sense of duty or some lesser motivation.  What every man needs, especially during a period of defeat, is to be convinced that his wife loves him for himself, not for anything he does for her. A wise and considerate woman goes out of her way to let her man know that he is a good lover and that she enjoys their relations.  It’s good for his ego and promotes honest communication between them.  You will also find that this gives them the extra courage and drive to go “fight the lions” in his world, thus becoming a better provider for his family.

3.      It enhances his love for his wife- because a man has been endowed by God with an intense six drive and a conscience, the satisfactory release of that drive without provoking his conscience will enhance his love for the person who makes that possible, which can only be his wife.  Sexual release can only occur their intercourse, homosexuality, masturbation, or nocturnal release.  Any form, other than sex with his wife will elicit guilt of conscience. Thus, when a wife lovingly responds making love with him, his love and concern for her will increase.

4.      It reduces friction in the home- A sexually satisfied man is generally a contented man. Because he is more content, the little minor irritations are eased.  He finds it easier to be patient. Now, this won’t fix big problems in a marriage, but it will ease and smooth the little ones.  Somehow the world looks better and his problems shrink to life size when a man’s sexual harmony prevails. 

5.      It provides one of life’s most exciting experience- Marriage counselor, Tim LaHaye (LaHaye, LaHaye, 1976) described it this way; “The titanic and emotional and physical explosion that culminates lovemaking for the husband is easily the most exciting experience he ever enjoys, at least on a repeatable basis.  At that moment all other thoughts are obliterated from his mind; every gland and organ of his body seems to reach a fevered pitch.  He feels as if his blood pressure and temperature soar nearly to the point of losing control.  By this time his breathing accelerates and he groans in ecstasy as the pressure breaks forth with the release of semen into the object of his love.  Words are inadequate to describe this fantastic experience.”  A loving wife who understand her husband’s temptations in this regard will restrain the desire to squelch his advances, and because she thinks more of his needs than of her own tiredness, will give her love feely to him.  Her reward will be his ready response to her mood, and together they can share the rapturous experience of married love.

A wife has great power to lift, calm, soothe, and inspire her husband.  As you come to understand the power of healing that you, and only you, have power to bestow upon your husband, I hope that you will have a change of attitude toward lovemaking and find the joy, peace, and satisfaction that comes through serving and blessing his life. 

Challenge  

·         If you are married, take time to reflect on your attitude toward sex.  If you have been rejecting him, have been annoyed with it, or are going through the motions of sex, what is that saying to your husband?  Do you use sex as a punishment/reward? If your husband feels that you are annoyed with him and that sex is a nuisance that you wish would just go away, it will inevitably affect every other part of your marriage relationship negatively.  Make a commitment to change your attitude.  You will find that as you change your attitude, your love for him will increase and your needs will be met more fully. You may also discover that you are having a lot of fun in the process.

·         Have your husband explain in his own words what lovemaking means to him.  You may discover more meanings than the ones I discussed, that when you understand, will help you be more responsive to his needs.

·         If you haven’t married yet, make a commitment within yourself to understand his needs and that you will serve and sacrifice when it’s not convenient or you are tired. You will find that it will energize you and give you the emotional connection you need to face your individual challenges.  Put your marriage relationship before anything else, besides God, and it will in return bless every aspect of your life.  You will be a better wife, a better mother, more productive, and will be a generally happier, joyful person.  

References:

Busby, D. M., & Carroll, J. S. (2014). Sexual Wholeness In Marriage.

LaHaye, T. F., & LaHaye, B. (1976). The act of marriage: The beauty of sexual love. Grand Rapids: Zondervan Pub. House. 

Weiner-Davis, M. (2003). The sex-starved marriage: A couple's guide to boosting their marriage libido. New York: Simon & Schuster.