Lovemaking

All humans are created with the equipment to make love, but the art of lovemaking is learned, it is not innate.  Dr. Ed Wheat explained to a group of men, “If you do what comes naturally in lovemaking, almost every time you will be wrong.”  What is “natural” is what is self-satisfying.  This is almost always incompatible with his wife’s needs.  It is for this reason, that is so important to study this subject, just prior, and during the early years of marriage, while you are learning and establishing the most satisfying techniques.  Prior to lovemaking a couple should learn as much as you can before your wedding night.  Make sure you both understand the functions of the male and female reproduction systems.  Understand that it is rare for a female to provide enough natural lubricant on her honeymoon to avoid painful sensations.  Make sure you have lubricant available.  It would benefit all females to practice Kegel exercises before the wedding. Husbands, understand the romantic in your wife and do your very best to ensure that the honeymoon is romantic.  Use candles, massage oil, soft music, etc. making sure the room is a comfortable temperature, and that you have the privacy to explore this new area of your world.  There is a fine line between a husband’s love and a man’s passion.  A husband who hurries through their first encounter may hinder a relationship as a woman may begin to feel he is driven more by passion, than love and concern for her.  Understand that the first few times may be painful and do all you can to ease that transition.  A slow, gentle approach will reveal your love for her through your self- control and will set a pattern of love and respect in lovemaking that will bless your marriage.

            It is somewhat intimidating, especially for a woman, to be seen for the first time without your clothing.  Many women have great insecurities about their bodies.  Some women may want to use lingerie, some may not.  You may want to undress one another. It can be quite exciting and stimulating to be gently undressed by your loved one.  Although this can be embarrassing, if you will go slowly, taking the time to express love and appreciation for their beauty, you will find that you both will relax and enjoy the warm embrace in each other’s bodies.

It is unrealistic to think that your wife is going to reach orgasm the first time or every time in the beginning.  This should never be viewed as a failure.  The purpose of lovemaking is to express love and to bring you closer as a couple. If your experience is doing that, then it is successful.  Keep trying and experimenting until you learn how to satisfy her more.  The art of you both orgasming together is not usually achieved immediately.  This is a skill learned after study, experimentation, and open communication between husband and wife.  Don’t take short cuts.  Take the time to really learn one another’s bodies.  Love, patience, unselfishness, concentration, and persistence place that goal within the capability of any couple.  

          Never underestimate the power and need for foreplay, both on your wedding night and throughout your marriage.  A man will generally minimize their own need for foreplay because they are fully aroused at the sight of her nude body.  Yet, research has proven that it is easier for men to retard his ejaculation after a long period of foreplay than after sudden arousal.  This is good news for your wife.  As a man learns how to affectionately arouse his wife, he will experience intense excitement in her response, and it will enrich his own climax.

There is no written formula to how long or what to do to arouse a woman, because no woman is the same.  This must be discovered through communication and trial.  Some women are stimulated by having their breasts caressed, others aren’t.  Sometimes, this is influenced by her cycle and at times it can be extremely exciting and other times, it isn’t.  For this reason, it’s essential that a couple communicates.  Any tender fondling and kissing on the upper body will help to arouse her.  Typical erogenous zones include the lips, tongue, palms and fingers, the soles of the feet, the inner thighs, nipples, neck, ears, armpits and the genitals. Our skin, as a whole, is really an erogenous zone. Regions of the body made of both mucosa and cutaneous skin are also often particularly sensitive: parts like the foreskin, penis, the external clitoris, the inner labia, the perineum, mouth or nipples.

What feels great for one person may feel ticklish or too much to someone else – but what we carry in our brains about a given part of our body and what’s happening there influences our sexual response with those parts.
All sexual experiences should be those that both the husband and the wife want.  Neither, at any time, should force the other to do anything that he does not want to do.  Love does not force.   The intimacy of lovemaking should always be performed with kindness.

Sexual pleasure is never about just one part of the body. We can’t segregate our genitals from our brains and everything else they’re connected to and influenced by, just like we can’t segregate our experience of any one thing in life from the whole of our lives, or any one part of a person’s personality from the whole of who they are. Any part of your body that can be part of pleasure is connected to and influenced by other parts.
Often you hear people who are worried about sex with partners because they’re “inexperienced” but the thing is, even if you manage to get to know one person’s body and sexual responses and how your sexuality works with that partner, that doesn’t mean you know all there is to know about that person’s sexuality and body or yours. If we could find out all of that in just a few months or years, sex would get boring very fast, and we’d not hear older people expressing, that sex has held new discoveries for us for decades. People’s sexual responses often shift and change over time.
The value of sexual experience isn’t really about “getting good in bed”. What experience can offer us is things like increased sexual communication skills, a better degree of comfort with sexual partnership and our bodies in general, and the tangible understanding that we really can’t ever know all there is to know about sex for everyone, or even for ourselves: that there are often surprises, changes and new discoveries to be had, and that we should be open to those at any time.
All of that discovery should be the fun part and the deepest part, whether it’s discovery about yourself, about yourself with your spouse, or about a spouse. Our bodies and mind are far more complex than one would think.  It is this discovery that makes it so exciting and worthwhile.  Nothing worthwhile in our life is obtained without searching, sacrificing, stretching, growing, and challenging ourselves.  As you learn to communicate better as a couple and seek to serve and bless the life of your spouse your sexual life will become one with the spiritual and emotional aspects of your intimacy and you will truly become “one” as God intended.   

References:

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Todd, N. (2014, September 30). Sexual Response Cycle: Sexual Arousal, Orgasm, and More.  Retrieved May 03, 2016, from http://www.webmed.com/sex-relationships/guide/sexual-health-your-guide-to-sexual-response-cycle