“Just look at the
difference in our vehicles and our clothes.
I think that says a lot for who we are and what we value. I mean, you tease me about washing my truck,
and you go and pay to have somebody wash your car. We’re paying through the nose for your car,
and you can’t be bothered to wash it. I
think that’s outrageous. I think that’s
probably the most spoiled thing that you do.”
In this scenario
the husband was not merely pointing out that they spend their money
differently. He is accusing his wife of
a moral deficiency- of being spoiled.
He’s main goal is to demean his wife.
His contempt comes in the guise of assuming the high moral ground.
In whatever form
contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. Contempt is poisonous to a
relationship because it conveys disgust. We can be angered by what someone has
done and still feel some genuine caring for them, but if we are contemptuous,
we couldn’t care less about them and worse, we don’t care that we couldn’t care
less about them. When we are in the grip
of contempt, our targets are always below us.
Our nose may be up, but we are looking down it, like it’s a gun barrel
with a sighting scope that helps keep the offending person in the line of fire. Infuse disgust with a sense of moral
superiority plus some degree of anger- especially anger in the form of
hostility- and the result is contempt.
Contempt is a
harsh judge, devoid of compassion, no matter how soft its face might like
look. When we’re caught up in contempt,
we hold ourselves morally above the object of our contempt; after all, they’re
unworthy of standing on the same ground as us, are they not?
In contempt, we
are stranded from our heart. However
smilingly delivered our contempt may be, it simultaneously conveys revulsion
and moral condemnation. Contempt will
lead to more conflict rather than reconciliation. It is fueled by
long-simmering negative thoughts about our spouse. We’re more likely to have such thoughts if
our differences aren’t resolved.
Belligerence, is a close cousin and just as dangerous. It’s a form of aggressive anger because it
contains a threat or provocation.
Example: The wife complains that her husband doesn’t come home from work
in time for dinner. A belligerent
response would be “What are you going to do about it, sue me?”
Other examples of
contempt can be:
•
Sarcasm
•
Cynicism
•
Name calling
•
Eye rolling
•
Sneering
•
Mockery
•
Hostile humor
Watch your tone
of voice, it can convey a lot of contempt, even if your words are nice. Be aware of your body language. It can be much louder than words. This may
include rolling eyes, arm crossing, lack of eye contact. This is just as contemptuous and often times
more hurtful because it is passive aggressive, especially if when they ask you
what is wrong, you tell them “nothing.”
Giving them no course of action to fix the issue. You can’t read their
mind and they can’t read yours. If you
leave it to individual interpretation of what is wrong, you are going to have a
lot of misunderstandings and miscommunication.
Be clear and specific when dealing with a problem.
So what is the
value of contempt? Its presence, if
recognized for what it is can alert us to our dehumanizing tendencies,
reminding us that we are estranged from our compassion. It can alert us to the fact that we are out
of a healthy relationship with whomever we are feeling contempt toward. If that person is our spouse, our contempt
signals that our relationship is dangerously close to being over, if not
already over.
Research has
shown that contempt is the greatest signal emotional indicator that a
relationship is over or on the rocks because once we’ve lost respect for our
spouse, intimacy with him or her is all but impossible. It is impossible to solve problems if your
spouse feels that you are disgusted by them, if we have dehumanized our spouse,
and if we couldn’t care less about them or our marriage. In contempt it’s easy to say things that can
irreparably damage a relationship- both in terms of content and delivery- so if
you feel yourself slipping into a contemptuous territory with another, name
your contempt, and notice your lack of respect for that person, as opposed to
your lack of respect for what he or she has done. Contempt is directed at the person, always. In contempt there is no significant connection
to anything redeeming or healing. It is
a mix of icy disgust and toxic criticalness.
Learn to
recognize its signs so that you can catch it before you begin acting it out.
Notice how tempted you are to express outright disdain for that person; then
without delay, step back just enough to notice your breathing and posture,
doing your very best to curb your tongue.
When you feel angry at someone and feel your judgment or condemnation of
them amplifying, you’re well on your way toward being contemptuous. If you can keep your anger from mutating into
aggression, you will not go into contempt.
The same is true if despite your disgust you can avoid dehumanizing the
other. It is essential that we
distinguish, and keep distinguishing, between not respecting another’s actions
and not respecting that person. It’s
imperative to keep our compassionate hearts open.
In contempt we
not only dehumanize the other, but ourselves as well, marooning ourselves from
our heart in the process. When contempt
arises, name it as such and remember that you owe it to yourself not to act it
out, nor to let it occupy you. When we
can acknowledge our feelings of contempt in our relationships, we can recognize
that we are part of the problem. It is
not just about the other person, we have stopped seeing them as a person. Our actions have been mean and hurtful,
further damaging the relationship. Step back and notice the person you are
becoming and ask yourself if this is truly who you want to be. Look at the other person as a person with
weaknesses, just like you. Focus your
frustrations at the problem, not the person, and you can avoid contempt with
all of its ugliness.
Challenge
1. Spend time analyzing your feelings. Can you recognize feelings of contempt within
you? If so, acknowledge it for what it
is and the source of where it came from.
Pay attention not only to their actions but also how your actions have
also played a role in the deteriorating of your relationship. Try to stand in
their shoes for a moment the best you can, actively humanizing them. Refocus your mind on the problem itself and
not the individual. When your heart is
softened to make room for compassion and forgiveness, you can make better
choices that will change how you approach your relationship, leading to real
problem solving.
2. Make a list of all the qualities of your
spouse that you fell in love with when you were dating. If you are having trouble here are activities
that can get your juices flowing. List
one characteristic you find endearing or lovable. Pick one good time and write a sentence about
it. Think of one physical attribute you
like. Write down one characteristic that
make you proud. Think of one thing that
you both have in common. Describe one
belief you share. Think of a time your
spouse was very supportive of you.
3. Apologize to your spouse for acting out
contemptuously. Be sincere. If you can’t then I suggest working more on
the above activities. If you are not
sincere, you will harm the relationship, more than help it. Express your desire to not feel this way in
your marriage. Explain to your spouse
that you understand that this happened because your frustrations about the
problems turned into frustrations with them as a person. Express your love and
respect for them as an individual and make a commitment to them that you will
do your best to stay focused on solving the problem itself and that you will do
your best to treat them with respect, regardless of the problems you are facing
together.
Although they also have a role in the issues,
your goal is to focus on your role and try to repair damages that you may have done. This does not dismiss them from the harm they
have done. You are only focusing on the
harm you have caused because that is the part you have control over. Be aware, that when you start to take
accountability for your part, you give them the permission to do the same,
changing both of you for the better.
References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven
principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.
Masters, R. A. (2013). Emotional Intimacy: A
Comprehensive Guide for Connection with the Power of Your Emotions.
Boulder, CO: Sounds True.
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