Flooding in Arguments

Flooding occurs as a defense mechanism to protect yourself. People who stonewall, those ignore you and refuse to respond, are trying to protect themselves from flooding.  Flooding occurs when the criticism, contempt, and defensiveness is so overwhelming you feel shell shocked.  You feel so defenseless that you will do anything to avoid a replay.  The more often you feel flooded by your spouse’s criticism or contempt, the more hypervigilant you are for cues that your spouse is about to “blow” again. All you can think is that you have to protect yourself.  Let me give you an example by Mary Beth George, 2014, I heard of flooding.

A few years ago my husband fainted while driving 70 mph on a highway.  Instantly realizing I had to maneuver us to safety, I ripped off my seatbelt, took the wheel and reached my foot over to the brake.  It wasn’t until we were safe that I realized my son was crying and in a panic.  And because my only thought was not dying on that highway, I had not even processed what happened to my husband.  He came to and gained composure, but I was completely flooded . . . breathless, sweaty and weak.”  That’s a classic fight or flight response to a dangerous situation.  

When one partner feels attacked and overwhelmed, or chased by the bear, there is often heightened diffuse physiological arousal (DPA).  This causes feelings of unmanageable stress, such as inability to think, hear or communicate clearly, sweaty palms, increased heart rate and increased blood pressure.  All we want in that moment is for the bear to stop chasing us and to get to safety.  Sometimes we fight back to overpower the bear, and sometimes we run away from the bear.  Your ability to process information is reduced, meaning it’s harder to pay attention to what your spouse is saying.  Creative problem solving is out the window.  You are left with two reflexive responses: to fight (act critical, contemptuous, or defensive), or flee (stonewall) 

Here is a little quiz to ask yourself about arguments you have with your spouse. 

1. Our discussions get too heated.

True or False

2. I have a hard time calming down.

True or False

3. One of us is going to say something we will regret. .

True or False

4. My partner gets too upset.

True or False

5. After a fight I want to keep my distance.

True or False

6. My partner yells unnecessarily.

True or False

7. I can feel overwhelmed by our arguments.

True or False

8. I can’t think straight when my partner gets hostile.

True or False

9. Why can’t we talk more logically?

True or False

10. My partner’s negativity often comes out of nowhere.

True or False

11. There’s often no stopping my partner’s temper.

True or False

12. I feel like running away during our fights.

True or False

13. Small issues suddenly become big ones.

True or False

14. I can’t calm down very easily during an argument.True or False

15. My partner has a long list of unreasonable demands.

True or False

(2) Give yourself one point for each true answer. 6 Points and above indicates a problem. 6 points and below indicates a strength.

If you have answered that this is a common problem in your marriage.  Try this challenge to help get yourself out of flooding.

Challenge

1.      Learn to recognize the physiological signs that you are flooding.  A good indication is your heart rate, which can rise to well over 100 beats per minute.

2.      Tell your partner you need a break from the conflict discussion and take 15-20 minutes to calm down.  Do something that distracts you from the conflict, such as playing Words with Friends or reading a magazine.

3.      Try taking several slow, deep breaths, breathing slowly, in and out, watching your belly rise and fall.  It normally takes about 20 minutes to calm.

4.      Try progressive muscle relaxation.  Starting with your feet and legs, lift and hold for several seconds, or until the muscles start to feel warm.  Release and feel the heaviness and subsequent relaxation of the muscles.  Move up your body (buttocks, abdomen, arms, shoulders, neck/head), repeating the same procedure. 

5. Try visualization.  Think of a soothing scene, like a beach or relaxing on a hammock under the stars.  Imagine, in detail, what is there . . . the sights, sounds and smells.  Allow yourself to be transported to a “safer”, more soothing environment. 

Reference:

George, M. B. (2014, March). The Art & SCIENCE of Love Gottman Couples Weekend Workshops / Marriage Retreats in Houston, Texas. Retrieved February 05, 2016, from http://houstoncouplesworkshop.com/2014/03/does-your-partner-overwhelm-you-in-arguments-5-strategies-to-deal-with-emotional-flooding/

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.