Here are a few of the common myths
about marriage.
Personality problems ruin marriages- We all have our personality
issues-buttons we get a bit crazy on.
The key is finding someone you can mesh with. Let me explain- Dave has trouble dealing with
authority and hates having a boss. If he
married a woman who tended to boss him around, giving commands, etc. the
results would be disastrous. However, he
married Jill who is very gentle, easy going and doesn’t try to boss him. It works out well.
You
will find though that some of the very characteristics that drew you to that
person are in fact the things that can drive you crazy later. Scott is very easy going, laid back, and
peaceful. This is what attracted Amy to
him. He possessed a gentleness that she
only dreamed of. She is far more
passionate and easily excitable, causing major stress in her life. When they fell in love she loved the calm
that he brought into her world. But at
times Amy can get very frustrated that he doesn’t stand up for himself, or isn’t
getting as upset as she is. She thinks
he should have more of a backbone. At
the same time, Scott was attracted to her because of her passion for life. He loved her high energy. Neither spouse is wrong. The key is to work together, knowing that together
you balance one another. He helps calm
her and she invites more passion and excitement in his life. Be patient with one another’s personality
traits and work together to create a healthy balance.
Common Interests keep you together- That all depends on how you
interact with one another while pursuing those interests. One couple may love playing tennis together,
enjoying one another’s companionship.
However, another may play together, spending the entire time criticizing
how the other one plays the game, leaving both people frustrated and
irritated. With that lack of respect for
one another, it is hardly in the best interests of the marriage to continue
pursuing this interest together.
You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours- The idea here is that
if you are kind, they will be kind in response.
Although, how we treat others can greatly influence their response to
us, the problem comes when couples operate under the expectation that if they
do something for you, you need to do something for them. Those that keep a running tally of good deeds
in the marriage will eventually have anger and resentment running thick in
their marriage. Happy marriages have
spouses that do good deeds because they feel positive about their marriage and
spouse and generally want the best for the spouse, regardless of some tally
score card.
Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage- “Tell it like it is” is
the common theme of the day. However,
this can be very dangerous in some marriages.
Couples have different styles of conflict. Some avoid fights at all costs, some fight a
lot, and some are able to “talk out” their difference and find a compromise
without ever raising their voices. No
style is necessarily wrong as long as it works for both people. It can create a major issue if one wants to
avoid fights at all costs and their spouse is a yeller. If you and your spouse have different
conflict styles you will have to change their expectations and natural
reactions. The yeller needs to learn
that the yelling causes the other to shut down completely, and the one who
avoids all conflict needs to understand that conflict happens and it’s
okay. If the yeller will tone down the
tendency to yell, out of respect for the spouse who is sensitive to it, and the
avoider learns to face the conflict, they will do much better in their
marriage.
Affairs are the root cause of divorce- actually it is the problems
in the marriage that send them looking elsewhere for intimate connection. Most affairs aren’t about the sex as much as
they are about seeking friendship, support, understand, respect, attention,
caring, and concern. These are the very
things that marriage is supposed to offer them.
Research has shown that 80% of divorced individuals said their marriage
broke up because they gradually grew apart and lost a sense of closeness, or
they felt unappreciated.
Men aren’t biologically build for marriage- The theory is that men
are philanderers by nature and ill-suited for monogamy. Meanwhile the female who has young to tend
to, looks for a mate that will provide well for her and the children. However, now that so many women work out of
the home, the rate of extramarital affairs has skyrocketed. In fact, the number of extramarital affairs
of young women now slightly exceed those of men.
Men and Women are from different planets- Gender differences may
contribute to marital problems, but they don’t create them.
Myths
are all around and they can be somewhat disheartening when one is trying to
repair their marriage. Marriage is
complex. It takes courage,
determination, and resiliency to maintain a long-lasting relationship. However when you understand what helps a
marriage, safeguarding your own will become simpler. Happy
marriages are based on a deep friendship.
They have a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s
company. They know one another
intimately-knowing one another’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes,
dreams, etc. They have an abiding regard
for each other and express this fondness in little ways day in and day out. Friendship fuels the flames of romance
because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your
spouse. Rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship
doesn’t prevent arguments. Instead, it
gives you a secret weapon that prevents the arguments from getting out of
hand. In the strongest marriages, each
person shares a deep sense of meaning.
They don’t just get along, but support each other’s hopes, aspirations
and dreams and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.
Challenge
References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven
principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.
No comments:
Post a Comment