Is Sex Really that Big of Deal?

            The short and long answer to this question is yes.  Why?  A marriage void of sexuality and intimacy is a marriage doomed to fail.  Our human need for intimacy and sexuality is deep rooted and very personal.  When we are rejected and denied on this level from the one person we choose to spend our entire our life with, the emotional damage will spread its poisons throughout every other aspect of your marriage. 

                In our marriages we will almost always have one spouse who desires more sex than another one.  Typically, this is the man.  However, I know plenty of women who would do anything to have the loving touch and the desire of their husband.  Let me explain the cycle that happens so often.  I will describe it with the woman desiring less and the husband wanting more, however, you could easily interchange the places of the spouses. 

                Susie and Bill had a fabulous marriage in the beginning.  They had an amazing sex life and he felt very close to her.  His ability to satisfy her gave him great satisfaction.  They would often snuggle on the couch, hold hands when they walked, and kissed each other affectionately.  They would talk about their struggles and joys, and bask in one another’s company.  Then they had a child.

                Susie became very focused on her new role of mother.  She was exhausted.  The only thing she desired was sleep.  Tom’s need for companionship and intimacy was the last of her concerns.  In fact, it often felt like a chore.  Just one more person, needing something from her.  Well, he could wait. 

                At first Bill expressed his feelings of hurt with all the change.  He would ask, “What’s wrong? Did I do something?”  However, Susie felt little compassion for his feelings because she was sleep deprived, overworked, and hormonally altered.  His needs seemed so selfish to her. 

                As the year’s passed, the repeated rejections of his advances hurt and angered Bill.  As a result, he stopped investing energy in their marriage.  He focused solely on himself.  The more he distanced himself, the less inclined Susie was to touch or kiss him, let alone have sex.  This left her hurt.  Pretty soon the hurt and resentment left both of them feeling pretty lousy and empty.  This led to incessant blaming, and lack of empathy for the other.  Both partners were more intent on being right, than finding solutions to their long standing problems. 

                Can you see how they caught themselves in a horrible cycle and couldn’t find a way out?  Sex is extremely important in marriage.  When it’s good, it offers couples opportunities to give and receive physical pleasure, to connect emotionally and spiritually.  It builds closeness, intimacy, and a sense of partnership.  It defines the relationship as different from all others.  Sex is a powerful tie that binds. 

                When sex is lacking almost always other forms of physical affection and intimacy will cease as well.  Marriage becomes mechanical.  Friendship evaporates.  Anger bubbles below the surface.  Misunderstandings are plenty and emotional “divorce” is inevitable. 

                When people believe that their spouses aren’t attracted to them, that their marriage or feelings aren’t important, they feel rejected, suspicious, hurt, resentful, and unloved.  They doubt themselves and their abilities to satisfy their spouses.  They often become deeply depressed about the void in their marriage. 

                It is much more than mere physical pleasure.  It’s about connection, intimacy, closeness, and affection.  It’s about feeling attractive, feeling masculine or feminine, and feeling whole as a person.  It’s about being in love.  It’s about a feeling of oneness. 

                If you continue to see the differences in your sexual desires as your spouse’s problem rather than as a couple’s problem, you are courting disaster.  If you are the one with less desire and desire more emotional connection, know that once you start paying attention to your sexual relationship, your spouse will become a happier person.  What does that have to do with emotional connection?  Everything.  Happy people are more enjoyable to be around.  They’re nicer, more thoughtful, kinder, more loving, affectionate, and more communicative.  When you show you care by making sex a bigger priority in your marriage, your spouse will appreciate your efforts and become more caring towards you.  Your spouse will begin to open up and be decidedly more interested in you as a person.  

                Besides being closer to your spouse you may find that your sexual appetite isn’t really that far away.  Let me explain.  Experts use to think that all people experienced sexual desire the same way; something triggers a sexual thought, which triggers an urge to act-to become sexual with your partner, sexual stimulation than makes you feel aroused.  However, researchers have discovered that this isn’t the case for all people.  For some, sexual desire doesn’t precede feeling aroused; it actually follows it.  In other words, some people rarely find themselves fantasizing about sex, but when they’re open to becoming sexual with their spouses anyway, they often find the sexual stimulation pleasurable, and then become aroused.  Once aroused, there is a desire to continue.  (Basson 2001)  You may find that although you weren’t really in that space, once you do it anyway with an open mind, it can be quite enjoyable and fun.

                Desire is a decision.  You have to decide to make having a vibrant, exciting, emotionally satisfying sexual relationship a priority.  You have to continually discover and rediscover new ways to keep your sexual energy alive.  You must consciously work at understanding and keeping up with the changes in your body, your marriage, and the day-to-day demands of your life so that you can keep on reinventing your intimate relationship when it grows stale.  It doesn’t just happen.  You have to make it happen. 

                If you are the only one in your marriage that seems to want to change.  Take heart.  Relationships are such that if one person changes, the relationship must change.  It only takes one person who is willing to make the first move that starts a chain reaction.  Approach your partner with greater understanding, compassion, and wisdom and learn skills that will lead to improved communication, compromise, and acceptance.  Love is contagious.  When you give genuinely and consistently, your spouse will reciprocate. 

Challenge

1.       If you are the lower sexed partner, describe what that feels like to your spouse.  Focus on I statements, not you statements.  I feel……., not you are…….. 

2.       If you are the higher sexed partner, describe what the rejection means to you.  Again, focus on I statements.  Keep the discussion on the problem, not on the character of your spouse.

3.       Decide today to make your sexual relationship a priority in your marriage.  Never place children over the husband/wife relationship.  The greatest gift you can give your children is a happy marriage, full of love and affection.  What will you do differently, starting today? 

References:

Weiner-Davis, M. (2003). The sex-starved marriage: A couple's guide to boosting their marriage libido. New York: Simon & Schuster. 

References:

Weiner-Davis, M. (2003). The sex-starved marriage: A couple's guide to boosting their marriage libido. New York: Simon & Schuster.