Does Porn Belong in a Marriage?

When we typically think of porn use, we think of men.  However, this epidemic of pornography does not limit itself just to men.  In fact, more and more women are becoming just as addicted.   Men are more visual than women.  Men typically prefer to watch it and women prefer to read it.  Yes, reading erotic novels is pornography.  In whatever form, it is just as harmful.  Today, the use of pornography is becoming a norm in our society and is often encouraged.  In fact, it doesn’t take much research to discover many sex therapists suggesting the use of porn to increase your sexual desire.  Hopefully it will become clear to you why this is one of the most destructive behaviors to engage in for your overall marriage and sexual relationship.  Although, it does increase your sexual desire for a limited time, it does not increase your satisfaction, intimacy, and love within your marriage.    Let me explain why.

When a person views porn, the brain is flooded with dopamine, a feel good chemical. This gives you the desire to watch it again.  However, the brain is being overstimulated by this rush of dopamine, so to compensate it takes away some of the dopamine receptors.  With fewer receptors, it makes it much harder to get the same “rush”.  As a result, what they were looking at isn’t as exciting and they need harder and harder porn to get the same type of “rush”.   When they have acclimated to the new levels of dopamine flooding, regular activities that would normally set off a burst of dopamine making them feel happy aren’t strong enough to register, leaving them feeling withdrawal symptoms if you don’t watch more porn, creating addiction.

Our brains like novelty and want to something new and exciting.  So when a person starts looking at porn, they create and strengthen brain pathways linking feeling aroused to porn.  Meanwhile weakening connections in the brain the link arousal with things like seeing, touching, or cuddling with their partner.

Many years ago erectile dysfunction was almost unheard of, unless you were over 40, due to the body aging and/or blood vessels getting blocked, making it very difficult to get or maintain an erection.  However, with the age or porn that we live in, this is affecting younger and younger men, all with a history of pornography use. In their case, it isn’t an issue with their penis, but in their brain.  Erections are powered by chemicals in the brain’s reward center that are triggered when a guy sees, hears, smells, or feels something that turns him on. The problem for porn users is that they’ve hijacked their reward center by using porn, causing it to overload on these chemicals.  Many of the chemical receptors in the brain shut down.  It isn’t long until natural turn-ons aren’t enough.  Many porn users find they can’t get aroused by anything but porn.  Suffers of ED from porn use have found that the effects last about a year.  This means that if you or your spouse are suffering from ED, you can reverse the negative effects it has had in your life. 

Research has also found that the more a person views pornography, the more they display domination and harassing behavior toward women.  They are also more likely to express attitudes that support violence against women. Even casual pornography use can start to change attitudes and behaviors that are harmful to your relationship. This not only harms your sexual satisfaction in marriage, but will affect your ability to experience joy, satisfaction, and connection with your spouse.   In fact, research found that men who were exposed to porn rate themselves less in love than those who didn’t.  Another study found that those who watched porn were more critical of their partner’s appearance, sexual curiosity, sexual performance, and displays of affection. Over time, frequent porn use is associated with feeling more cynical about love in general, less trusting of their romantic partners, and they begin to feel like marriage is confining.  Men’s porn focuses only on what the man wants while ignoring anything about what’s good for their spouse/partner.  As a result, many wives feel like their husband doesn’t value them, leaving them feeling depressed, anxious, and feeling like they can never measure up.

Part of porn’s fantasy is that you can live in both worlds- both the fictional imitation and in a real, loving relationship, but a porn habit can really debilitate your ability to offer real, unselfish, meaningful love.  Porn creates a fictional version of how people look and behave.  The women depicted in porn are surgically enhanced, air-brushed, and photo-shopped.  Not only is it unrealistic in its standard of beauty, but it betrays women as being happy with whatever a man wants to do, even if it is degrading, painful, and humiliating.  One study found that nine scenes out of ten showed women being verbally or physically abused, yet the female victims almost always responded with either pleasure or appeared to be neutral.  Porn users ideas of what sex should be are often warped and spouses of porn users report being asked to act out the porn scripts or do things they are uncomfortable with or find demeaning. 

Our culture expects our intimate relationships to be built on trust, respect, honesty, and love, and when a spouse learns that their partner is using porn—which typically glorifies the opposite: disrespect, abuse, aggression, and infidelity—it can not only damage the trust they have in their partner , it can shake the very foundation of the relationship. Spouses often report feeling loss, betrayal, mistrust, devastation, and anger when they learn that their spouse has been using porn. They often show physical symptoms of anxiety and depression. Some show signs of PTSD, and some even become suicidal.  Many blame themselves for their spouse’s problem with porn and therefore stay silent in their struggle. 

As you can see, pornography is one of the most destructive behaviors to enter a marriage, regardless of which spouse is using it.  It affects not only your physical ability to perform and experience satisfaction in your sexual relationships, but it destroys the very things that a marriage relationship is based on; mutual respect, honor, commitment, integrity, love, and kindness.  Pornography use objectifies your spouse into being an object whose only purpose is to satisfy your own selfish interests. 

If you want to experience greater intimacy in your marriage, I urge you to stay away from this poison.  Although, in the beginning this poison can increase your sexual drive, it will in the end, kill it completely, most likely destroying your marriage and your self-respect in the process.  True emotional, sexual, spiritual intimacy can only occur when based on unselfish love.  A love that is more concerned about the welfare of their spouse than themselves.  The world preaches that happiness comes from being inward focused on your own desires and wishes.  However, true joy and peace comes from sacrifice, and unconditional concern for others.  One of the reasons parents love their children so unconditionally is that they sacrifice so much of their time, energy, and resources for their welfare.  You will find that when you will make your spouse’s welfare one of your highest concerns, your needs will be met as well, and you will find more joy and satisfaction in your marriage and in your life than you ever dreamed possible.   

Challenge

 1.      Discuss the things you have learned with your spouse and make a commitment to each other that you will turn towards one another to find answers to your sexual problems and will never use porn together or alone. 

2.      If you visit a website or attend counseling that encourages porn usage, let that be a neon sign that they do not have the best intentions for your marriage. Turn away and find resources that encourages intimacy by respecting, honoring, and being faithful to one another.   

3.      Pornography damages the individual, your relationships, and society as a whole.  Visit fighthenewdrug.org for more information on how you can get involved.

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