Psychological Factors that Affect our Sexual Desire

          There are plenty of psychological factors that can leave you feeling preoccupied or disengaged. 

·         Depression- feeling depressed often interrupts your sleep, makes you feel listless and unmotivated, leaves you feeling weepy or numb, and takes away your appetite or prompts you to overindulge, eating everything in sight.  Depressed people don’t usually enjoy or seek out the company of others.  Seventy-Five percent of depressed people experience a lower sex drive. To make matters worse often antidepressants, can cause sexual dysfunctions, such as problems with arousal, orgasm, or ejaculation and erectile difficulties.  It is essential that you choose your treatment options carefully.  If you have been feeling depressed or your family members have noticed it, trust them.  Get help.  You marriage depends on it.   

·         Sexual, Physical, or Emotional abuse as a child- People who have had traumatic experiences as children sometimes carry unresolved feelings about these experiences into their relationship with their spouses.  They have a difficult time leaving the past in the past.  Intimacy feels threatening and unappealing.  If this is the case for you.  Get professional help. 

·         Poor self-esteem- When you’re feeling crappy about you, it puts a damper on your outlook on everything, including being sexual

·         Body Image- Poor body image is a desire squelcher. It’s essential that you take a crash course in self-acceptance or do something to change things.  Most of us could use a little of both.  

·         Grief over a loss- having lost someone very close to you can definitely be zapping your sex interest.  Sadness and grief are normal, but sometimes grief can keep an incapacitating grip for far too long.  When this happens, it interferes with normal functioning and joy in life. 

·         Motherhood- Beyond hormonal changes some women say they feel changed.  They are mom’s, not sexual being.  However, we are both.  If you fail to understand this, you may start focusing all your attentions on being a mom and will neglect all aspects of your marital relationship.  Don’t let this happen to you. 

·         Midlife Crisis- Many people in the midst of personal introspection of “Life is passing me by” start questioning their marriage and wonder if their spouse is at the root of their existential angst.   

·         Stress and Fatigue- Sometimes our lives are so busy that we can barely breathe.  Sometimes we have nothing left to give and sex seems like a chore.  If this is the case for you, it is time for some simplification and an adjustment in priorities. 

Resolving Psychological Issues

                No matter why you’re feeling unhappy, you need to decide that it’s time to do something to help yourself feel better.  You are responsible for changing the way you feel.  If you are miserable, no amount of wishing and hoping will change that.  You have to take action.  You and you alone, have to decide that your less-than-vibrant mental health has been deadening your passion, and it’s time for a change.  Make a commitment to change your life, no matter what mood you’re in.  Do it for you.  Do it for your marriage.  Do it for your children and future children.  You’re not good for anyone if you’re unhappy with yourself. 

Setting Goals

                The first step is to figure out specifically what it is you want to change.   Write your goals on paper. 

1.       Describe what you want to change about your life rather than what you’re unhappy about- Ask yourself “When I start feeling a bit better, what will I be doing differently?”  Perhaps your response would be “I will be more energetic.” It’s a great start because you are stating what you want, but it lacks action.

2.       Describe your goals in action- What exactly will I be doing that I’m not doing now?  What does being more energetic look like?  Perhaps it is “I’ll get every morning, shower, and exercise.”  Another good question to ask yourself is “How, will my spouse, children, friends, colleagues know when I’m more __________ (energetic, self-accepting, happy, etc.) What will they see me doing that will clue them in that my life has taken a turn for the better?”  Perhaps it’s cooking a nice meal, smiling more, laughing more, joking around, or exercising.

3.       Make sure your goals are broken down into small, do-able steps- Don’t make them to grandiose or unachievable in a reasonable time.  Each goal should be able to achieve within a week or two.  If not, break them down into smaller steps.  Let’s say your goal was to exercise 5 days a week for 30 minutes a day.  That’s a bit much to ask when you are starting at zero, so start with exercising for 15 minutes 2 or 3 days a week and work your way up to your bigger goal.  This will help keep you motivated to achieve your goals.

4.       When you’ve answered “What I am I hoping to change about myself or my life? It’s best to keep it to no more than three items.  It’s best to start small.  Taking one small step won’t resolve all the things that are troubling you, but you will feel a tremendous sense of relief know that you are doing something to improve your outlook and mental health.

5.       Keep track of your progress.  Ask yourself the following questions.  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the best I’ve ever felt and 1 being the worst, how would I have rated things at my lowest point?  How do I rate things now?  Where on the scale do I need to be in order to feel satisfied?  Let’s say your lowest point you were at a 2 and you want to be at an 8.  Currently you are at a 6.  Then ask yourself, “What would be one or two things I could do in the next week that would bring up to a 6 ½ or 7?  Your answers should always be action oriented. 

Don’t wait until the end of your goal to be proud of yourself.  Be proud of each step you take towards that goal.  If you are doing something and it isn’t working.  Do something different.  Don’t give up on your goal, change the plan of how to accomplish your goal.  Zig Ziglar said “Hope is the power that give a person the confidence to step out and try.”  You have the power within you to make your life and your marriage better.  Don’t give up.    

If you decide that you need the help of a therapist, choose a therapist who will help you set goals and keep them in plain view.  If you don’t being to see some progress within a few sessions, discuss this with your therapist.  Seek a therapist who has a future orientation.  One who will ask, “Where do you want to be a week, month, year from now?  And who will help you figure out the specific steps you need to take to get there.  Many therapists think it’s important to understand how your childhood has affected your adult life before finding solutions to your current problems.  However, unless you shift gears and start to discuss what you can do about your situation, you can get stuck in the past.  Although, it can be interesting, insight leads to insight.  Change leads to change.  

Make sure that your therapist is a friend to your marriage, a therapist who understand that marriages involve hard work and have incredible ups and downs.  People who understand this about relationships and are will to do what it takes to work through the rough spots and weather the storm benefit greatly.  Most couples who stick it out through the hard times are very happy they did.  Trust your instincts.  If your therapist is helping, you’ll know it.    

Challenge 

1.     Now it’s your turn.  Set your goals and write them down.  Share your goals with someone, preferably your spouse.  They can be of great assistance in keeping you motivated and on track. It also increases your responsibility and accountability.  Your spouse will be appreciative that you doing something to gain better control of this area of your life.   This can also increase their patience and understanding because they know you aren’t ignoring the problem.