Unity in Marriage

          If we have been brought up correctly, we have been taught to always honor and obey our parents.  However, when we get married, we will soon discover that we can feel caught between obeying our parents, following their advice, and our marriage.  The Lord counseled Adam to leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife, and they should be one flesh.  This could equally be said to the woman, leave your father and mother and cleave unto your husband. 

            Frequently, it is difficult to make the transition from cleaving unto their mother and fathers, to that of cleaving to your spouse.  Parents can be a fantastic resource in our lives.  They have a lot of experience and can help you see options you haven’t necessarily thought of and can be an excellent sounding board.  However, many times parents can have a difficult time relinquishing the hold they have had upon their children.  They are used to giving commands and you following them. Husbands or wives can have a tendency to return to their mother and father to obtain advice and counsel, and will confide in them, instead of with their spouse.  This can be very destructive to your marriage.  Yes, parents can offer great support and encouragement, but if you are turning to your mother or father for support and guidance, more than your spouse, problems will ensue.  Many of our intimacies should be kept in privacy from others. 

            Couples will do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side.  Your married life should become independent of your parents.  You love your parents and cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association; but live your own lives, be governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who give it.  Cleaving is more than occupying the same home, but rather to stick together as couple.  You are to cling faithfully to one another spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  Nothing, except God, should take priority over that of your spouse, including your children. 

            In-law battles are common, most commonly between wives and their mother in-laws.  Most of the time the issues that arise with in-laws have at their core of tension is a turf battle between the wife and her husband’s love. The wife is watching to see whether her husband backs her or his mother/father.  Often the mother/father is asking the same question.  The husband, for the most part, just wishes they could get along better.  He loves them both and does not want to have to choose.  In fact, the whole idea is ridiculous to him.  After all, he has loyalties to each, and he must honor and respect both.  Unfortunately, this attitude often throws him into the role of peacemaker or mediator, which will invariable make matters worse.     

The only way out of this situation is for the husband to side with his wife.  Remember that one of the basic tasks of marriage is to establish a sense of “we-ness” between husband and wife.  The husband must let his parents know that his wife does indeed come first.  His house is his and his wife’s house.  At first the parents may have hurt feelings, but most likely they will soon adjust to their new role in their child’s life.  It is absolutely critical for the marriage that the husband be firm about this.  This doesn’t mean that he would demean or dishonor his parents or go against your basic values, but he has to stand with his wife and not in the middle.  He and his wife need to establish their own family rituals, values, and lifestyle and insist that her parents respect them. 

It is for this reason that it may involve some rending and tearing away from your primary families.  An important part of putting your spouse first and building this sense of solidarity is not to tolerate any contempt toward your spouse from your parents.  Mary and Bill were headed for trouble in their marriage until Bill learned this lesson.  Bill had a great need his parent’s approval.  He wanted them to proud of him as a husband and a father. Mary would visit with her in-laws and then the parents would take her husband aside and criticize his wife, her child rearing, and the decisions they were making.  This left Bill feeling defeated, frustrated, and depressed.  Mary dreaded any contact with them because she knew that her every flaw would be magnified, all behind her back, which left her with no means to defend herself, unless she looked like the evil one.  He often felt as if he had to defend his wife and himself, and yet, some of the complaints did seem valid.  He had noticed a few of those flaws in wife himself, which would leave him contemplating the words of his parents over and over in his head, until he focused strictly on the flaws in his wife, thinking to himself, “They are right, she is controlling.”  He began to feel more and more validated that his problems were really Mary’s fault and if she would change than he would have his parent’s approval.  Mary felt hurt and betrayed.  Bill had sacrificed “we-ness” allowing them to bad mouth her and allowing them to come between him and his wife.

Once Bill realized that his need for his parent’s approval was playing out against Mary and their marriage, he was able to change.  He spent less time at their home.  He defend his wife’s parenting and the decisions they were making in their lives.  Bill explained to his parents that Mary was his wife and that if they wanted to be part of their life that they needed to accept Mary as she was. If they continued to criticize her, than he would have to limit their involvement in their lives. Mary was part of the package.  At first, his parents were angry, but in time they adjusted and knew that they needed to keep their negative opinions to themselves.  Mary and Bill’s marriage began to flourish as Mary felt that her husband loved and supported her and had chosen her to come first in his life.  They finally developed a sense that they were a team.  Each spouse must eliminate the “I” and the “my” and substitute it with “we” and “our.”  Every decision must take into consideration that there are two or more affected by it. 

When you love your spouse with all your heart, you would never demean, criticize, find fault, or abuse them with words, sullen behavior, or actions.    You are fiercely loyal and faithful to each other, you communicate with one another, and express your love.

Surround yourselves with those who are a friend to the marriage.  Many times we want to be validated in our frustrations with our spouse, but a true friend to the marriage will remind you of the good in your spouse, encourage you to bond together, and encourage you to make unified decisions together with your spouse.  If you have friends or family that is saying “Why do you put up with that?”, “I can’t believe he would do that, how selfish!” Please understand that they are not doing your marriage any favors.  It is best to keep your frustrations with your spouse between the two of you.  You love your spouse and can easily move on and oversee their flaws, but it is much harder for a friend, parent, or in-law to see past the stupid things your spouse did.

 If you are struggling, get outside help, preferably from a neutral party, like a counselor. All of those who do help, need to be parties that are friends of the marriage.  They want the marriage to last and be happy.  It is easy to go to friends or family that justify our complaints because it feeds our pride, but that isn’t a friend to the marriage.  You want friends that will remind you of what your marriage can become if you keep working on it.  The exception to this is abuse.  If you are being abused, get help now.

An honorable, happy, and successful marriage is the goal of most of us, otherwise, we wouldn’t have gotten married.  Our decision for marriage was one of the most vital of all decisions and has the most far-reaching effects.  It affects not only the two of you, but also your families and your children and their children’s children down through generations. 

Many movies portray a “They lived happily ever after.”  However, happiness doesn’t come by pressing a button.  Happiness is a state of mind that comes from within us.  True marriage is based on a happiness which is more than a life of ease, luxury, and thrills.  It comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing, and selflessness. 

Two people coming together from different backgrounds causes most of us to come face to face with stark reality.  This life isn’t make-believe.  Responsibility must be assume and new duties must be accepted.  Some personal freedoms much be relinquished, and many unselfish adjustments must be made.  One soon discovers after marriage that their spouse has weaknesses not previously discovered.  The virtues which were magnified during courtship now seem to grow smaller, and the weaknesses which seemed so insignificant during courtship now magnify.  This is the time for understanding hearts, self-appraisal, and good common sense, reasoning, and planning.  The in-law problems come closer into focus and the relationship of the spouse to them is magnified. 

Before marriage, each individual is free to come and go as they please, organize and plan their life as they see fit, and to make all decisions with themselves as the most important focus.  However, when you take wedding vows each person must accept that the good of the family must always come before the good of either spouse.  As you approach major decisions focus on the needs of the whole, before the individual.

Understand that love is like the body, it needs constant feeding.  Without frequent good food, the body would die.  If you feed your marriage with bad food such as neglect, selfishness, pride, criticism, defensiveness, contempt, arrogance, and unfaithfulness, you will surely kill it.  Love cannot be expected to last forever unless you are continually feeding it with portions of love, esteem and admiration, expressions of gratitude, and unselfishness.  If you are forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of your spouse, the love you found in courtship will be cemented.  The foods most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, affection, appreciation, admiration, companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and interdependence. 

Make achieving and creating “oneness” in marriage your highest priority, besides your relationship to God.  I promise that as you do so, your love will flourish.  

Challenge

·         Discuss together what each of you can do differently to create a sense of “we-ness” and solidarity in your marriage.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown.