The Power of Listening

          When we think of communicating better, most of us think of talking.  However, one of the most powerful aspects of communication is listening.  When someone is talking, most of us are thinking of what we would say in response to the conversation.  We aren’t really listening.  This becomes even more so if we are having a conflict with the other person.  We are either so concerned about defending ourselves or concerned that they aren’t hearing us that we spend the time we are supposed to be listening, trying to reframe what we want to say so they will really “hear” us this time.  However, when we truly take the time to hear and understand the other person, many of the problems and hurts can be softened or resolved. 

                A few years ago we were in the process of selling our home and buying a new one.  It was extremely stressful.  We wanted to upgrade our home but we had a limited budget.  The must have on my husband’s list was having unrestricted acreage.  My must have was a respectable home that wasn’t falling apart and preferably a four bedroom since we had six children.  I searched and searched for a home that would fit both wishes in our budget but it just wasn’t’ to be found.  After searching for a year I came to the conclusion that our wish list was going to have to bend.  This is when the trouble began.  My husband was unmovable in his desire.  In my mind I thought, “Okay, land is nice, but be real, we live in the Houston area.  There isn’t a lot of unrestricted land.  Seriously, it’s going to have to give.”  My thoughts were, “We had lived in a run-down tiny home for ten years.  Why move if I was going to have more of the same?”  I finally gave up my desire for a four bedroom, but it made no difference in the availability of a home in our price range.  I was completely frustrated.  I began showing homes to my husband that were in neighborhoods, but he kept saying that he just couldn’t live like that.  The longer this conflict went on, the more polarized we became.  We pulled our home off the market twice because I couldn’t handle the discontent between us concerning this topic.  When we discussed homes together we would both instantly flood because we knew an argument would ensue. 

                Finally one day we went to dinner and for the first time in two years I listened, which then gave him the desire to listen.  You see in all the times we talked I was defending my position that although land was nice, it was out of reach, therefore, you have to give up on the idea.  I never took the time to really understand why that was so important to him that he couldn’t budge.  This time was different.  In the core of my heart, I really just wanted to understand him.  Why was land so important to him?  What did it represent to him?  After I really listened, I was amazed to find that he then had a great desire to understand me.  We talked for a couple of hours.  At the end, we didn’t necessarily have an answer to the problem, but the pain was gone.  I understood where he was coming from and he understood my fears and wishes.  We had decided together that we would not buy a home unless we both agreed that this was the home for us.  I was amazed at what the power of listening did for our peace and happiness.  Less than two month later a fantastic home came onto the market.  We bought the home.  It wasn’t perfect, but it satisfied both of our needs and we were thrilled that we actually agreed on the perfect home for us.  We have loved our home so much.  It occurred to me that had we have moved forward with my wish list, or his wish list, we would have both lost because of the damage it would have caused in our relationship.  Instead, we waited, worked together, and respected each other’s needs.  We both won. 

                When we get in arguments, so often we are far more concerned about what is best for us as individuals and start to personalize the issue to the point where we feel like we need to win no matter what.  Make them come around to our view point.  However, in doing so we will always lose.  Today, I want to share some ideas that can help you become a better listener, but the biggest key is the desire to understand where the other person is coming from.  Without that desire, you are going through the motions, but will not be successful because your heart isn’t willing to listen. 

Be Present- Don’t be looking at your phone, thinking of a conversation with your kids or friend.  Really be present, acknowledge what they are saying, and give them your undivided attention.

Restating- Repeat in your own words what you think they have said and are thinking.

Reflecting- This is where you state your perception of what they are feelings.  Pay attention to body language and tone of voice.  Statements like “So you feel that……..”

 Summarize- Summarize what they are thinking and feeling and ask if you understand them correctly.

Ask questions- This is the time for them to clarify anything you are not understanding.  Things like What, When, Where, etc.  Don’t use why.  Why is asking them to defend their stance, which can put them on the defensive.  Instead of “Why do you want your own business?” Ask “What does owning a business represent to you?”

Give Feedback- Share Perceptions of the person’s idea or feelings.  Don’t lecture or problem solve.  Say things like. “So you feel that…..” or “I felt that way when…..” Validate their experience.  “I can understand why you might feel like that.”

Supporting- Show that you care and are concerned in your own way.

Be quiet- You don’t have to come back with a response when there is a lag in the conversation.  Let them think through their thoughts and allow them to finish.  So many times we find the silence awkward, but it provides an opportunity for both of us to soul search for a moment.   

Challenge

1.        Find a time to practice these skills.  You can practice with your children or a friend on other topics that aren’t so painful. 

2.       Take this skill to your problem solving in your marriage.  By really listening to others, we invite them to do the same.  Read the post on Handling Conflict for more helpful tips in approaching difficult topics. 

References:

Miller, S., Miller P., Nunnally, E. &Wackman, D. (1991). Couple Communication I: Talking and Listening (p. iii). Colorado: Interpersonal Communication Programs