Let’s face it, money challenges can
create an enormous amount of stress in a marriage and if we aren’t careful it
can destroy our marriage. Here are a few
guidelines that will help you avoid many of the financial pitfalls that can
occur.
Live within your means- I know this seems simple enough, but you
would be amazed how many are living on borrowed money. Unless it is your home, an education,
possibly a car, or starting a business, stay away from debt. Learn to live simply and buy used items. You don’t need the fancy furniture, expensive
cars, huge mortgages, and expensive clothing.
Did you know that a car loses over 70% of its value in the first four
years? A car that is only four years old
has a lot of good life in it and most are still very reliable. Let some other
person lose the value while you take advantage of not having to pay inflated
prices for a vehicle. We bought a car
for our son, paying $2,000 cash for a car that was 14 years old. It has run great for over two years, needing
minimal repairs. With an average basic
car payment of $250 a month, we would have spent $6,000 so far for a car that
gets him around exactly like his older car and would still have three more years
of payments to make. Instead after nine months we were money ahead, even if the
car did break down and we would’ve needed a new one. It was well taken care of and still looks
great. Shop around. Learn to shop sales,
garage sales, and limit your spending to an amount that you can reasonably
afford. Make your money work for
you. Debt can act like a ball and chain
wrapped around your neck. It can bring a
large amount of unnecessary stress into your marriage that could be avoided by
being patient, setting up long term goals to get you where you want to be, and living
wisely. In the meantime, learn to get by
on less. When you see others with fancy
things, be grateful you don’t live their nightmare of debt but can live in
peace because you don’t owe other people.
Tell the whole truth- Taking responsibility for your actions is
absolutely necessary for you to win with money.
Owning up to your mistakes with courage, humility and openness is a huge
step in the right direction. Do not
leave out details, as this will only lead to more pain for both of you in the
end.
Talk Honestly- If you are bringing debt into the marriage, be open
about what that debt is from, how much it is, and what you are doing to address the
debt. If you have accrued debt unknown
by your spouse, fess up. One of the key
components to a good relationship is trust.
If you have broken trust in your financial areas, take responsibility
for it and do what you can to right it.
Realize that your spouse may be upset for good reason, but at least you
can start to heal and fix it. Ignoring
it will only hurt marriage. If you have
created the mess together, then sit down and honestly look at the debt and
analyze how you managed to get in the mess you are in. Sometimes we are in a mess due to medical
issues, natural disasters, etc. However,
most of the time we have something to do with the mess we are in. Acknowledge the part each of you played and
make a plan to get out.
Listen to your spouse- Listen without defending yourself. Simply
let your spouse be heard. Acknowledge
their feelings. Apologize for any part you played in the problem.
Work Together- Collectively brainstorm ideas of how to fix the
issues, with no judgments on the ideas.
If your spouse suggests an idea and you think it’s stupid and tell them
so, do you think they are going to continue to brainstorm ideas? Nope. All creativity was destroyed. Brainstorming is just putting ideas down, then
you go back and choose the best ideas from the list you created. The key is to realize that this isn’t his
problem or her problem, it belongs to both of you.
When
my husband and I were first married we had similar goals but handled money
differently. We disagreed about how to
go about handling the money and would end up fighting about it. Finally he said, “Okay, I will make the money
and you run the home.” This ended a lot
of fights. However, in time this became
a huge problem. He had no idea where our
money sat, he literally turned it all over to me. As we began to really struggle financially I
had a huge burden of making the money stretch.
When I would ask for advice of what we can do, or which bill to pay
first, etc. he would get defensive, feeling like a failure for not being able
to provide for the family, which sent him into a depression for weeks. Therefore, I felt like I was all alone in
trying to figure it all out, which caused frustration and resentments to
build. Other times he would ask me if we
had money to do something he wanted to do and if possible I would juggle the
budget around to make it happen. If I
asked him the same question, the answer was always we don’t have enough money. It began hurt my feelings and the resentment built.
One
day we sat down to discuss it. It was no
longer working. I asked him why he
always said no to me and he said “I have no idea how much money we have so I
just assume we don’t have it.” That was
my “Ahha” moment. We created this
problem because we weren’t communicating about the money. He was absolutely clueless of where the money
sat, and what bills we had, because I had always handled it. This was just as much my fault as his. Without him being aware of our money and the
budget, it was creating miscommunication and huge misunderstandings.
We
learned the importance of sharing the burden, being informed of where the money
was going, and of making a budget together so that we could both be fully aware
of our finances. I will admit that it
hasn’t been easy. However, we understand
the need for both of us to be actively involved and to be accountable to one
another for our financial lives. In short, we must work as a team if we want to
be successful with money.
Create a Working Budget- Decide together if it is a budget you can
keep. Be honest with yourself and each
other. Each month sit down together and
go over your expenses and then decide where all of the money is going. Don’t forget to give each spouse “play” money
that doesn’t to be accounted for. That
can be ten dollars or a hundred depending on your budget. However, everyone needs a little flexibility
or the budget will never work. Sometimes
the idea of a budget freaks out people who are free spirits. It feels like bondage to them. However, by budgeting in wiggle room it can
give them a sense of freedom. True
freedom comes from living within certain boundaries that protect your way of
life. Wild abandonment will cause
heartache and ruin.
Be Accountable- Check with each other and work as a team to prevent
bad habits from kicking in. If necessary
get a financial counselor to help you. If you agree to the budget, then keep your end
of the deal unless you discuss it together and decide to change the budget
based on something you failed to plan for.
Continue to Communicate- Life happens. Big emergencies and small emergencies come up
and the budget has to shift to accommodate unplanned expenses. You can’t be successful if you aren’t keeping
an open communication channel open between you.
Share your Bank Account- Some people like the idea of having
separate banking accounts because they don’t want to assume the risks involved
in sharing their money, wanting to stay independent. However, why would you marry if you have
intentions of divorce? This is where
trust comes in. I know a man who gives
his wife so much money at the beginning of each month and then she has to
account for every penny of it before he gives her any more for the next
month. This is more of a father/dictator
role, not a role of a loving spouse. He
maintains all control of the money. He
is telling her loud and clear that he doesn’t trust her, nor thinks she is
capable of handling money. Not a great
foundation to base your relationship.
Even if the wife has her own account and the husband has his, it becomes
more of a checklist of who is responsible for what bill, rather than WE are
responsible for these bills. My
husband’s grandmother never touched money, the bills, or the budget in their
home. He died, leaving a huge estate
behind. All of a sudden at the age of 85
she was not only faced with having to learn how to write a check, but now had
to manage a million dollar estate. It
was foolish and cruel to leave such a massive burden on her. If your spouse doesn’t know how to manage
money, teach them. If you don’t know how,
study and learn how.
Learn your money style- Each of us have certain money
personalities. Some of us are savers,
some hoarders, some free spirits, and some spenders. Regardless, by understanding what both of
your styles are, it can help you work with it in a budget. If you tie down a spender so they are held
captive by the budget, they will break it and start to hide the money they are
spending. However, if you make room in
the budget for them to play with, they can also be successful in the budget if
you agree on a compromise between you.
If you are curious as to what your money style is go to https://www.moneyharmony.com/moneyharmony-quiz
and take the quiz. It takes less than
ten minutes. Just remember, no style is
the wrong style. It’s just different and
you need to accommodate for the differences.
Respect the hoarders need for security and the spender’s need for freedom
in the budget.
By
following these tips you will gain more confidence and control of your finances
as you successfully work together to create common goals towards your
future. By accepting accountability and
being honest, you are creating more trust and intimacy in your relationship.
Challenge
1.
Discover your Money Personality
2.
Develop a budget together
3.
Discuss how your parents dealt with money.
4.
What does Money represent to you? Your spouse?
5.
Share your dreams for the future and what you
hope to accomplish with your money.
References
Real Debt Help - Get out of debt with Dave Ramsey's -
daveramsey.com. (2016). Retrieved June 02, 2016, from
http://www.daveramsey.com/blog/
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