Principles in Sexual Decision Making

            In 1 Corinthians 11:11 the Apostle Paul taught “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.  And in Genesis 2:24 God stated, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.”  God intended Eve to be a help meet with Adam.  They were meant to be equal partners and as equal partners they need to approach all their decision making together.  When you enter into marriage you are not only making a covenant with one another, but with God.  This means that you have the responsibility to make your decisions together, with God as your partner. 

            You may read or hear a lot of advice regarding sexuality within your marriage, but the big key is to approach your decisions together and include the Lord.  Finding out what other couples are or aren’t doing isn’t very helpful, in fact, it can be quite harmful, because it can put unfair expectations on your marriage.  The first step is to try and find the answers you need as to what is appropriate and not appropriate by taking it to the Lord as a couple.  If you still need help, then go together as a couple to an outside source, whether it be parents, church leaders, counselors, etc. so that you can then discuss together how you feel about the counsel you received and decide for yourselves if the information you received will be helpful to you as a couple. 

Here are a few questions and guiding principles that will help guide you in your quest of knowing what is right for you, as a couple. 

Marital Unity- Does the sexual behavior or act that we’re considering strengthen our relationship with one another and with God?

Mutual Consensus- Do we agree on this aspect of our marital sexuality?

Positive Attitude- Does this reflect a positive and healthy attitude about sexuality?

Sexual Potential- Does this foster the sexual potential and needs of my spouse and myself?

If you feel uncomfortable with a certain aspect of your sexuality, do your best to honestly identify the origin of that discomfort or lack of desire and then discuss it together.  Sometimes these preferences are merely situational.  For example, maybe you are exhausted, sick, etc.  But many times spouses can acquire negative attitudes about sexual expression from earlier life experiences, or from sources outside of the marriage.  They may also be tied to healthy or unhealthy inhibitions.  Healthy inhibitions are connected to our personal preferences for sexual experiences and also reflect your personal values about sexuality.  They are balanced by otherwise positive attitudes about sexuality, and a general willingness to engage in desired forms of sexual encounters and arousal.   Unhealthy inhibitions usually originated from past experiences or external influences.  They tend to make you avoid creativity in sexual encounters, and are often uncomfortable with your own sexual response- regardless of the specific type of arousal or stimulation.

            Understand that each of us have sexual needs.  Being committed to being open, vulnerable, and creative in learning to share the sexual part of yourselves with one another, will help you strengthen the overall intimacy and satisfaction within your marriage. 

Challenge

·         Spend time pondering on different sexual behaviors that you are uncomfortable with and really ponder the reasons of that discomfort.  It is impossible to explain to your spouse, if you don’t know for yourself.  Many times if our spouse can just understand our thoughts concerning an issue, they can help us work through them or can be more understanding of our resistance to certain behaviors.  It can make a world of difference in them accepting your answer. 

·         Choose a time as a couple, when you are uninterrupted, to really explore your sexual decisions together, as equal partners, to make sure that you are in agreement on appropriate sexual behavior within your marriage. 

·         Evaluate as a couple how you are doing in accepting influence from your spouse.  Do you approach decisions in your marriage as an equal partnership? 

References:

Busby, D. M., & Carroll, J. S. (2014). Sexual Wholeness In Marriage.