The Power of Listening

          When we think of communicating better, most of us think of talking.  However, one of the most powerful aspects of communication is listening.  When someone is talking, most of us are thinking of what we would say in response to the conversation.  We aren’t really listening.  This becomes even more so if we are having a conflict with the other person.  We are either so concerned about defending ourselves or concerned that they aren’t hearing us that we spend the time we are supposed to be listening, trying to reframe what we want to say so they will really “hear” us this time.  However, when we truly take the time to hear and understand the other person, many of the problems and hurts can be softened or resolved. 

                A few years ago we were in the process of selling our home and buying a new one.  It was extremely stressful.  We wanted to upgrade our home but we had a limited budget.  The must have on my husband’s list was having unrestricted acreage.  My must have was a respectable home that wasn’t falling apart and preferably a four bedroom since we had six children.  I searched and searched for a home that would fit both wishes in our budget but it just wasn’t’ to be found.  After searching for a year I came to the conclusion that our wish list was going to have to bend.  This is when the trouble began.  My husband was unmovable in his desire.  In my mind I thought, “Okay, land is nice, but be real, we live in the Houston area.  There isn’t a lot of unrestricted land.  Seriously, it’s going to have to give.”  My thoughts were, “We had lived in a run-down tiny home for ten years.  Why move if I was going to have more of the same?”  I finally gave up my desire for a four bedroom, but it made no difference in the availability of a home in our price range.  I was completely frustrated.  I began showing homes to my husband that were in neighborhoods, but he kept saying that he just couldn’t live like that.  The longer this conflict went on, the more polarized we became.  We pulled our home off the market twice because I couldn’t handle the discontent between us concerning this topic.  When we discussed homes together we would both instantly flood because we knew an argument would ensue. 

                Finally one day we went to dinner and for the first time in two years I listened, which then gave him the desire to listen.  You see in all the times we talked I was defending my position that although land was nice, it was out of reach, therefore, you have to give up on the idea.  I never took the time to really understand why that was so important to him that he couldn’t budge.  This time was different.  In the core of my heart, I really just wanted to understand him.  Why was land so important to him?  What did it represent to him?  After I really listened, I was amazed to find that he then had a great desire to understand me.  We talked for a couple of hours.  At the end, we didn’t necessarily have an answer to the problem, but the pain was gone.  I understood where he was coming from and he understood my fears and wishes.  We had decided together that we would not buy a home unless we both agreed that this was the home for us.  I was amazed at what the power of listening did for our peace and happiness.  Less than two month later a fantastic home came onto the market.  We bought the home.  It wasn’t perfect, but it satisfied both of our needs and we were thrilled that we actually agreed on the perfect home for us.  We have loved our home so much.  It occurred to me that had we have moved forward with my wish list, or his wish list, we would have both lost because of the damage it would have caused in our relationship.  Instead, we waited, worked together, and respected each other’s needs.  We both won. 

                When we get in arguments, so often we are far more concerned about what is best for us as individuals and start to personalize the issue to the point where we feel like we need to win no matter what.  Make them come around to our view point.  However, in doing so we will always lose.  Today, I want to share some ideas that can help you become a better listener, but the biggest key is the desire to understand where the other person is coming from.  Without that desire, you are going through the motions, but will not be successful because your heart isn’t willing to listen. 

Be Present- Don’t be looking at your phone, thinking of a conversation with your kids or friend.  Really be present, acknowledge what they are saying, and give them your undivided attention.

Restating- Repeat in your own words what you think they have said and are thinking.

Reflecting- This is where you state your perception of what they are feelings.  Pay attention to body language and tone of voice.  Statements like “So you feel that……..”

 Summarize- Summarize what they are thinking and feeling and ask if you understand them correctly.

Ask questions- This is the time for them to clarify anything you are not understanding.  Things like What, When, Where, etc.  Don’t use why.  Why is asking them to defend their stance, which can put them on the defensive.  Instead of “Why do you want your own business?” Ask “What does owning a business represent to you?”

Give Feedback- Share Perceptions of the person’s idea or feelings.  Don’t lecture or problem solve.  Say things like. “So you feel that…..” or “I felt that way when…..” Validate their experience.  “I can understand why you might feel like that.”

Supporting- Show that you care and are concerned in your own way.

Be quiet- You don’t have to come back with a response when there is a lag in the conversation.  Let them think through their thoughts and allow them to finish.  So many times we find the silence awkward, but it provides an opportunity for both of us to soul search for a moment.   

Challenge

1.        Find a time to practice these skills.  You can practice with your children or a friend on other topics that aren’t so painful. 

2.       Take this skill to your problem solving in your marriage.  By really listening to others, we invite them to do the same.  Read the post on Handling Conflict for more helpful tips in approaching difficult topics. 

References:

Miller, S., Miller P., Nunnally, E. &Wackman, D. (1991). Couple Communication I: Talking and Listening (p. iii). Colorado: Interpersonal Communication Programs

Unity in Marriage

          If we have been brought up correctly, we have been taught to always honor and obey our parents.  However, when we get married, we will soon discover that we can feel caught between obeying our parents, following their advice, and our marriage.  The Lord counseled Adam to leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife, and they should be one flesh.  This could equally be said to the woman, leave your father and mother and cleave unto your husband. 

            Frequently, it is difficult to make the transition from cleaving unto their mother and fathers, to that of cleaving to your spouse.  Parents can be a fantastic resource in our lives.  They have a lot of experience and can help you see options you haven’t necessarily thought of and can be an excellent sounding board.  However, many times parents can have a difficult time relinquishing the hold they have had upon their children.  They are used to giving commands and you following them. Husbands or wives can have a tendency to return to their mother and father to obtain advice and counsel, and will confide in them, instead of with their spouse.  This can be very destructive to your marriage.  Yes, parents can offer great support and encouragement, but if you are turning to your mother or father for support and guidance, more than your spouse, problems will ensue.  Many of our intimacies should be kept in privacy from others. 

            Couples will do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side.  Your married life should become independent of your parents.  You love your parents and cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association; but live your own lives, be governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who give it.  Cleaving is more than occupying the same home, but rather to stick together as couple.  You are to cling faithfully to one another spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  Nothing, except God, should take priority over that of your spouse, including your children. 

            In-law battles are common, most commonly between wives and their mother in-laws.  Most of the time the issues that arise with in-laws have at their core of tension is a turf battle between the wife and her husband’s love. The wife is watching to see whether her husband backs her or his mother/father.  Often the mother/father is asking the same question.  The husband, for the most part, just wishes they could get along better.  He loves them both and does not want to have to choose.  In fact, the whole idea is ridiculous to him.  After all, he has loyalties to each, and he must honor and respect both.  Unfortunately, this attitude often throws him into the role of peacemaker or mediator, which will invariable make matters worse.     

The only way out of this situation is for the husband to side with his wife.  Remember that one of the basic tasks of marriage is to establish a sense of “we-ness” between husband and wife.  The husband must let his parents know that his wife does indeed come first.  His house is his and his wife’s house.  At first the parents may have hurt feelings, but most likely they will soon adjust to their new role in their child’s life.  It is absolutely critical for the marriage that the husband be firm about this.  This doesn’t mean that he would demean or dishonor his parents or go against your basic values, but he has to stand with his wife and not in the middle.  He and his wife need to establish their own family rituals, values, and lifestyle and insist that her parents respect them. 

It is for this reason that it may involve some rending and tearing away from your primary families.  An important part of putting your spouse first and building this sense of solidarity is not to tolerate any contempt toward your spouse from your parents.  Mary and Bill were headed for trouble in their marriage until Bill learned this lesson.  Bill had a great need his parent’s approval.  He wanted them to proud of him as a husband and a father. Mary would visit with her in-laws and then the parents would take her husband aside and criticize his wife, her child rearing, and the decisions they were making.  This left Bill feeling defeated, frustrated, and depressed.  Mary dreaded any contact with them because she knew that her every flaw would be magnified, all behind her back, which left her with no means to defend herself, unless she looked like the evil one.  He often felt as if he had to defend his wife and himself, and yet, some of the complaints did seem valid.  He had noticed a few of those flaws in wife himself, which would leave him contemplating the words of his parents over and over in his head, until he focused strictly on the flaws in his wife, thinking to himself, “They are right, she is controlling.”  He began to feel more and more validated that his problems were really Mary’s fault and if she would change than he would have his parent’s approval.  Mary felt hurt and betrayed.  Bill had sacrificed “we-ness” allowing them to bad mouth her and allowing them to come between him and his wife.

Once Bill realized that his need for his parent’s approval was playing out against Mary and their marriage, he was able to change.  He spent less time at their home.  He defend his wife’s parenting and the decisions they were making in their lives.  Bill explained to his parents that Mary was his wife and that if they wanted to be part of their life that they needed to accept Mary as she was. If they continued to criticize her, than he would have to limit their involvement in their lives. Mary was part of the package.  At first, his parents were angry, but in time they adjusted and knew that they needed to keep their negative opinions to themselves.  Mary and Bill’s marriage began to flourish as Mary felt that her husband loved and supported her and had chosen her to come first in his life.  They finally developed a sense that they were a team.  Each spouse must eliminate the “I” and the “my” and substitute it with “we” and “our.”  Every decision must take into consideration that there are two or more affected by it. 

When you love your spouse with all your heart, you would never demean, criticize, find fault, or abuse them with words, sullen behavior, or actions.    You are fiercely loyal and faithful to each other, you communicate with one another, and express your love.

Surround yourselves with those who are a friend to the marriage.  Many times we want to be validated in our frustrations with our spouse, but a true friend to the marriage will remind you of the good in your spouse, encourage you to bond together, and encourage you to make unified decisions together with your spouse.  If you have friends or family that is saying “Why do you put up with that?”, “I can’t believe he would do that, how selfish!” Please understand that they are not doing your marriage any favors.  It is best to keep your frustrations with your spouse between the two of you.  You love your spouse and can easily move on and oversee their flaws, but it is much harder for a friend, parent, or in-law to see past the stupid things your spouse did.

 If you are struggling, get outside help, preferably from a neutral party, like a counselor. All of those who do help, need to be parties that are friends of the marriage.  They want the marriage to last and be happy.  It is easy to go to friends or family that justify our complaints because it feeds our pride, but that isn’t a friend to the marriage.  You want friends that will remind you of what your marriage can become if you keep working on it.  The exception to this is abuse.  If you are being abused, get help now.

An honorable, happy, and successful marriage is the goal of most of us, otherwise, we wouldn’t have gotten married.  Our decision for marriage was one of the most vital of all decisions and has the most far-reaching effects.  It affects not only the two of you, but also your families and your children and their children’s children down through generations. 

Many movies portray a “They lived happily ever after.”  However, happiness doesn’t come by pressing a button.  Happiness is a state of mind that comes from within us.  True marriage is based on a happiness which is more than a life of ease, luxury, and thrills.  It comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing, and selflessness. 

Two people coming together from different backgrounds causes most of us to come face to face with stark reality.  This life isn’t make-believe.  Responsibility must be assume and new duties must be accepted.  Some personal freedoms much be relinquished, and many unselfish adjustments must be made.  One soon discovers after marriage that their spouse has weaknesses not previously discovered.  The virtues which were magnified during courtship now seem to grow smaller, and the weaknesses which seemed so insignificant during courtship now magnify.  This is the time for understanding hearts, self-appraisal, and good common sense, reasoning, and planning.  The in-law problems come closer into focus and the relationship of the spouse to them is magnified. 

Before marriage, each individual is free to come and go as they please, organize and plan their life as they see fit, and to make all decisions with themselves as the most important focus.  However, when you take wedding vows each person must accept that the good of the family must always come before the good of either spouse.  As you approach major decisions focus on the needs of the whole, before the individual.

Understand that love is like the body, it needs constant feeding.  Without frequent good food, the body would die.  If you feed your marriage with bad food such as neglect, selfishness, pride, criticism, defensiveness, contempt, arrogance, and unfaithfulness, you will surely kill it.  Love cannot be expected to last forever unless you are continually feeding it with portions of love, esteem and admiration, expressions of gratitude, and unselfishness.  If you are forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of your spouse, the love you found in courtship will be cemented.  The foods most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, affection, appreciation, admiration, companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and interdependence. 

Make achieving and creating “oneness” in marriage your highest priority, besides your relationship to God.  I promise that as you do so, your love will flourish.  

Challenge

·         Discuss together what each of you can do differently to create a sense of “we-ness” and solidarity in your marriage.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown. 

Flooding in Arguments

Flooding occurs as a defense mechanism to protect yourself. People who stonewall, those ignore you and refuse to respond, are trying to protect themselves from flooding.  Flooding occurs when the criticism, contempt, and defensiveness is so overwhelming you feel shell shocked.  You feel so defenseless that you will do anything to avoid a replay.  The more often you feel flooded by your spouse’s criticism or contempt, the more hypervigilant you are for cues that your spouse is about to “blow” again. All you can think is that you have to protect yourself.  Let me give you an example by Mary Beth George, 2014, I heard of flooding.

A few years ago my husband fainted while driving 70 mph on a highway.  Instantly realizing I had to maneuver us to safety, I ripped off my seatbelt, took the wheel and reached my foot over to the brake.  It wasn’t until we were safe that I realized my son was crying and in a panic.  And because my only thought was not dying on that highway, I had not even processed what happened to my husband.  He came to and gained composure, but I was completely flooded . . . breathless, sweaty and weak.”  That’s a classic fight or flight response to a dangerous situation.  

When one partner feels attacked and overwhelmed, or chased by the bear, there is often heightened diffuse physiological arousal (DPA).  This causes feelings of unmanageable stress, such as inability to think, hear or communicate clearly, sweaty palms, increased heart rate and increased blood pressure.  All we want in that moment is for the bear to stop chasing us and to get to safety.  Sometimes we fight back to overpower the bear, and sometimes we run away from the bear.  Your ability to process information is reduced, meaning it’s harder to pay attention to what your spouse is saying.  Creative problem solving is out the window.  You are left with two reflexive responses: to fight (act critical, contemptuous, or defensive), or flee (stonewall) 

Here is a little quiz to ask yourself about arguments you have with your spouse. 

1. Our discussions get too heated.

True or False

2. I have a hard time calming down.

True or False

3. One of us is going to say something we will regret. .

True or False

4. My partner gets too upset.

True or False

5. After a fight I want to keep my distance.

True or False

6. My partner yells unnecessarily.

True or False

7. I can feel overwhelmed by our arguments.

True or False

8. I can’t think straight when my partner gets hostile.

True or False

9. Why can’t we talk more logically?

True or False

10. My partner’s negativity often comes out of nowhere.

True or False

11. There’s often no stopping my partner’s temper.

True or False

12. I feel like running away during our fights.

True or False

13. Small issues suddenly become big ones.

True or False

14. I can’t calm down very easily during an argument.True or False

15. My partner has a long list of unreasonable demands.

True or False

(2) Give yourself one point for each true answer. 6 Points and above indicates a problem. 6 points and below indicates a strength.

If you have answered that this is a common problem in your marriage.  Try this challenge to help get yourself out of flooding.

Challenge

1.      Learn to recognize the physiological signs that you are flooding.  A good indication is your heart rate, which can rise to well over 100 beats per minute.

2.      Tell your partner you need a break from the conflict discussion and take 15-20 minutes to calm down.  Do something that distracts you from the conflict, such as playing Words with Friends or reading a magazine.

3.      Try taking several slow, deep breaths, breathing slowly, in and out, watching your belly rise and fall.  It normally takes about 20 minutes to calm.

4.      Try progressive muscle relaxation.  Starting with your feet and legs, lift and hold for several seconds, or until the muscles start to feel warm.  Release and feel the heaviness and subsequent relaxation of the muscles.  Move up your body (buttocks, abdomen, arms, shoulders, neck/head), repeating the same procedure. 

5. Try visualization.  Think of a soothing scene, like a beach or relaxing on a hammock under the stars.  Imagine, in detail, what is there . . . the sights, sounds and smells.  Allow yourself to be transported to a “safer”, more soothing environment. 

Reference:

George, M. B. (2014, March). The Art & SCIENCE of Love Gottman Couples Weekend Workshops / Marriage Retreats in Houston, Texas. Retrieved February 05, 2016, from http://houstoncouplesworkshop.com/2014/03/does-your-partner-overwhelm-you-in-arguments-5-strategies-to-deal-with-emotional-flooding/

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.

Handling Conflict in Marriage

It’s not the absence of conflict that determines whether or not your relationships are healthy.  It’s knowing how to handle the conflicts that will arise.  It’s desiring to make progress even if it costs me some peace.  It’s realizing that peace and progress don’t often hold hands and operate simultaneously. If you are one who has a tendency to stuff your feelings, stop.  People who keep negative feelings inside themselves start building walls to protect themselves.  Although that wall may protect you from hurtful things, it also prevents feelings of love and intimacy.

In long-term marriages, couples learn how to choose their battles rather than reacting to every irritating thing.  Think of the few most troubling things and address those issues.  Think in action-oriented, positively stated, do-able terms.  When you find solutions, try them.  If they work, keep it, if it doesn’t come back together and find another option.  A key to remember is that if you think there is a problem, there is a problem.  If your spouse thinks there is a problem, there is a problem.  Never assume because it’s not a problem for you, that it’s fine.  You are a team and if it’s a problem for one, it’s a couple problem.

Sometimes are conflicts are easily solvable, but other things we find ourselves in situations that are like gridlock.  We are stuck.  It seems we are talking until we are blue in the face, but we get nowhere.  Much like a rat running circles on a wheel.  Here are a few signs that you may be in gridlock.

•      The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner

•      You keep talking about it, but make no headway

•      You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge

•      When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt.

•      Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection

•      You becomes even more unbudgeable over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations

•      This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your position and polarized, more extreme in your view and all the less will to compromise.

•      Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally. 

So what do you do? Realize that some issues may never be solved because of each of your deep felt beliefs.  That’s okay.  We are all individuals and have different opinions.  Many of our differences are character traits such as one likes things to be neat and tidy, and the other spouse wants to feel comfortable and relaxed in their home. One partner wants more sex than the other partner.   Those traits aren’t necessarily going to go away.  However, it is what we do with these issues that makes all the difference.  The goal isn’t necessarily to solve the problem, but to move from gridlock to dialogue so that you can remove the hurt and the problem stops being a source of great pain in the relationship. You learn to live with the difference of opinion on the issue.   The goal is to make peace with the issue, accept the differences between you, and establish some kind of initial compromise that will help you to continue to discuss the problem amicably.

 I’m going to share with you a tool that can be very useful when tackling big issues that are bothering you.  This can help individual problems such as issues at work, or issues that involve both of you, or your family.   Part of our problem when we communicate with our spouse is that we haven’t really spent time becoming aware of how we really feel, so how do we communicate what we don’t know or understand ourselves.  A tool, created by Sherod Miller in 1991, is called the Awareness Wheel.  The awareness wheel will help you become more aware of yourself, once you are familiar with it, it can help you understand and work with your spouse.  We will cover five zones that will assist you.  These zones are: Sensory, Thoughts, Feelings, Wants, and Action.  When you are working with an awareness wheel, you decide on the problem. 

In the sensory zone you pay attention to your body.  How are you feeling?  Are you tired, grumpy, or sick?  If so, you may need to set up another time to talk.  If you are in a good space, and your spouse is in a good place, then you continue.  One partner takes the turn in talking, while the other one listens.  Then the other spouse, has the opportunity to talk, while you listen.

First you address your thoughts about the problem.  Stay focused on the problem itself, not on the character of your spouse.  As an example.  When you reject me in sex I think you are not attracted to me.  I begin to wonder about the safety of our relationship, etc.

Next, discuss your feelings.  I feel scared, lonely, rejected, etc. when I am rejected.  Now the temptations in feelings is to say something like “I feel like you don’t care.  That is not a feeling.  That is a thought.  You think they don’t care.  Your feeling is what how that thought makes you feel.  I feel worthless, and unlovable when you don’t want to be intimate.  Your feelings will never start with “I feel like you……….”

Next, move to the wants.  Address wants for you, for your spouse, and for you as a couple.  I want to feel safe in our relationship and to feel valued.  I want you to feel loved, and I want us to feel close and intimate.  A word of caution, many times when we state what we want for our loved ones, we are stating what we want from them.  Be careful that you state what you want your spouse to have.  What is their desire?  Sometimes this is easier to address after they have shared their side of the conflict.

The final step is coming to an action that you would like to happen.  As an example.  I would like us to have sex once a week.   Maybe when your spouse talks they don’t want to be harassed about the lack of sex.  This is when you really take to heart what the thoughts, feelings, desires of your spouse are and the two of you work together towards a compromise or solution that would work for both of you.  For example, maybe you decide that you will have sex on a certain night of the week (preferably when the lower desired spouse is the most relaxed, like a Saturday, because she/he has your help around the house or no pressures from work), but then you agree not to bother your spouse the rest of the week for sex requests and instead focus on connecting in non-sexual ways throughout the rest of the week. 

The key throughout this interchange is to stay focused on the problem, never making it about your spouse’s character, to truly listen to what the other spouse is thinking and feeling, and to work together for a solution that may work.

After you have decided on a solution, try it out.  Then, meet together in a week or two and discuss if what you decided on as a solution is working.  What the awareness wheel does is keep the fighting fair.  There are no slams, digs, and defensiveness.  You stay focused on really hearing your spouse’s side, and expressing your side to the problem. 

Some other helpful hints in dealing with conflicts. 

·         Make sure it is a good time for both of you.  Don’t force your spouse to talk right now.  That will only end badly. 

·         Start off with kindness and I statements- if you say “You are such a slob, why don’t you pick up your clothes?”  How do you think the other person will respond?  Automatically, you have put your spouse on the defensive. If instead you approach it with “Honey, keeping a clean home is really important to me.  I would really appreciate if you would please put your laundry in the basket for me.  I know it may seem a bit petty, but it would make a huge difference in my level of frustration and would make my job easier.”  That’s much less likely to get an angry rise from the other person.  

 

·         Be specific- “Would you clean up around here”, versus “Would please take the garbage out.”  One is much clearer on what you are wanting from them.

·         Focus on what action you want, rather than criticizing.

·         If things get to heated, take a time out- “Honey, I want to solve this but I am getting too upset, can we take a break and come back together tomorrow at this same time and finish this discussion” This is much better than saying hurtful, mean things because you are upset and can’t think clearly. 

·         Don’t mind read or expect them to mind read- Don’t assume you know what your spouse is thinking.  You don’t. Many times we assume they are thinking what we fear most about ourselves.  Most of the time that is not the case.  No one wants to be second-guessed.  Don’t assume he/she should be able to read your mind.  They are not psychic.  You must tell them.  

·         Leave the past in the past- Stay focused on the current problem.  No one wants to be reminded of all the past mistakes that have been made. 

·         No exaggeration- “You never do anything nice for me!” “You always do this!” This simply isn’t true.  No one always or never does something.

·         No name calling- If name calling begins, take a time out.  It’s very difficult to recover when someone is slamming your character. No problems will ever be resolved this way so you are better to stop the discussion and resume when you are both calm. 

·         Don’t get discouraged if your partner doesn’t follow your lead right away- you’ve had years to develop bad habits.  Don’t give up.  Eventually, they should come around.  Stay focused on the new tools and continue to practice.

          Conflict is a normal, healthy part in any relationship.  Conflict isn’t the problem, it’s what we do with it that becomes the problem.  Better communication skills help you rise above your differences and teaches you how to deal with the diversity between you.  If you want to feel more connected, if you want to build your friendship, it’s essential that you learn better ways to communicate your thoughts and feelings with one another.  As you focus on using better communication skills, you will develop greater intimacy in all aspects of your marriage.

Challenge

1.      Set a time and date to discuss a problem as a couple.  Decide what it is that you will be addressing.  This gives both of you time to put your thoughts, feelings, wants, and actions together in your mind before you come together.

2.      Practice listening to one another and not interrupting your spouse

3.      Practice the using these skills in a trouble topic for you. It can be helpful to try it on a smaller issue that isn't so sensitive first. 

  

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.

Miller, S., Miller P., Nunnally, E. &Wackman, D. (1991). Couple Communication I: Talking and Listening (p. iii). Colorado: Interpersonal Communication Programs

Weiner-Davis, M. (2003). The sex-starved marriage: A couple's guide to boosting their marriage libido. New York: Simon & Schuster.

What Lovemaking Means to a Man

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It is generally helpful to understand the needs and desires of a man.  By doing so, wives are better apt to understand and meet the needs and desires of their husbands.  We will discuss five of them.

1.  It satisfies his sexual drive- God designed man to be the aggressor, provider, and leader of his family.  Biologically this is also tied to their sex drive.  As a wife, you can’t love the way he leads and provides for your family and then hate that he always wants sex.  You simply can’t have one without the other.  The male body creates semen on a continuous basis.  Each drop of seminal fluid is said to contain as many as 300 million sperm. It’s possible to have 2 to 5 ejaculations a day. If unreleased through coitus, this can be very frustrating to his mental and physical well-being.  A normal and healthy man has a semen build-up every 42 to 78 hours that produces a pressure that needs to be released.  A variety of conditions will determine frequency of pressure including high stress at work, school, illness, financial or family problems and hormone levels.  To learn more about the male reproductive system, read our blog, “Male Reproductive System.” His sexual drive is a gift of God to produce the motivation for procreation, which is still the primary social purpose of humankind.  That gift influences not only sexual behavior but also his personality, work, motivation, and almost every other aspect.

 At times this can be frustrating to a woman who simply does not have that need as often.  However, attitude is everything.  If one is approaching sex as a duty to perform, the other spouse will catch on really quickly and the relationship will deteriorate.  Unless you change the mental attitude towards love making your love will be gone.  This is a time in which, you as a wife, can serve and bless your husband. Dr. Michelle Weiner-Davis (Weiner-Davis, 2003) explains: For some sexual desire- the urge to become sexual- doesn’t proceed feeling aroused; it actually follows it.  In other words, some people rarely (or never) find themselves fantasizing about sex or feeling sexual urges, but when they’re open to becoming sexual with their spouses anyway, they often find the sexual stimulation pleasurable, and they become aroused.  Once aroused, there is desire to continue.” Be open to getting in the mood, even when at first you are not. When a man has sex it releases oxytocin and vasopressin which increases his desire to cuddle and it creates within him a desire to be committed to the relationship, inspires his protective sense and drive to protect his territory and his offspring.  Women need that emotional connection before sex, but for men, that connection typically follows sex.   Be cautious in turning down your husband in his desires as he can see this as a rejection of him as a person and as a lover, which can be very hurtful to him and harmful to your relationship. Making love to a man, is exactly that, making love. When we continually turn them down, we are limiting his ability to feel connected and loved by you.  However, it is important to have some honest discussions of your needs as well.  Together you can find a perfect balance.

2.      It fulfils his manhood- A man can endure academic, occupational, and social failure as long as he and his wife relate well together, but success in other fields becomes a hollow mockery if he strikes out in bed.  When a man is struggling in his school, work, and professional life a wife has great power to uplift him by being more aggressive sexually.  During times of defeat, a husband’s fractured ego especially needs the reassurance of her love. Many husbands subconsciously fear that their wives endure lovemaking out of a sense of duty or some lesser motivation.  What every man needs, especially during a period of defeat, is to be convinced that his wife loves him for himself, not for anything he does for her. A wise and considerate woman goes out of her way to let her man know that he is a good lover and that she enjoys their relations.  It’s good for his ego and promotes honest communication between them.  You will also find that this gives them the extra courage and drive to go “fight the lions” in his world, thus becoming a better provider for his family.

3.      It enhances his love for his wife- because a man has been endowed by God with an intense six drive and a conscience, the satisfactory release of that drive without provoking his conscience will enhance his love for the person who makes that possible, which can only be his wife.  Sexual release can only occur their intercourse, homosexuality, masturbation, or nocturnal release.  Any form, other than sex with his wife will elicit guilt of conscience. Thus, when a wife lovingly responds making love with him, his love and concern for her will increase.

4.      It reduces friction in the home- A sexually satisfied man is generally a contented man. Because he is more content, the little minor irritations are eased.  He finds it easier to be patient. Now, this won’t fix big problems in a marriage, but it will ease and smooth the little ones.  Somehow the world looks better and his problems shrink to life size when a man’s sexual harmony prevails. 

5.      It provides one of life’s most exciting experience- Marriage counselor, Tim LaHaye (LaHaye, LaHaye, 1976) described it this way; “The titanic and emotional and physical explosion that culminates lovemaking for the husband is easily the most exciting experience he ever enjoys, at least on a repeatable basis.  At that moment all other thoughts are obliterated from his mind; every gland and organ of his body seems to reach a fevered pitch.  He feels as if his blood pressure and temperature soar nearly to the point of losing control.  By this time his breathing accelerates and he groans in ecstasy as the pressure breaks forth with the release of semen into the object of his love.  Words are inadequate to describe this fantastic experience.”  A loving wife who understand her husband’s temptations in this regard will restrain the desire to squelch his advances, and because she thinks more of his needs than of her own tiredness, will give her love feely to him.  Her reward will be his ready response to her mood, and together they can share the rapturous experience of married love.

A wife has great power to lift, calm, soothe, and inspire her husband.  As you come to understand the power of healing that you, and only you, have power to bestow upon your husband, I hope that you will have a change of attitude toward lovemaking and find the joy, peace, and satisfaction that comes through serving and blessing his life. 

Challenge  

·         If you are married, take time to reflect on your attitude toward sex.  If you have been rejecting him, have been annoyed with it, or are going through the motions of sex, what is that saying to your husband?  Do you use sex as a punishment/reward? If your husband feels that you are annoyed with him and that sex is a nuisance that you wish would just go away, it will inevitably affect every other part of your marriage relationship negatively.  Make a commitment to change your attitude.  You will find that as you change your attitude, your love for him will increase and your needs will be met more fully. You may also discover that you are having a lot of fun in the process.

·         Have your husband explain in his own words what lovemaking means to him.  You may discover more meanings than the ones I discussed, that when you understand, will help you be more responsive to his needs.

·         If you haven’t married yet, make a commitment within yourself to understand his needs and that you will serve and sacrifice when it’s not convenient or you are tired. You will find that it will energize you and give you the emotional connection you need to face your individual challenges.  Put your marriage relationship before anything else, besides God, and it will in return bless every aspect of your life.  You will be a better wife, a better mother, more productive, and will be a generally happier, joyful person.  

References:

Busby, D. M., & Carroll, J. S. (2014). Sexual Wholeness In Marriage.

LaHaye, T. F., & LaHaye, B. (1976). The act of marriage: The beauty of sexual love. Grand Rapids: Zondervan Pub. House. 

Weiner-Davis, M. (2003). The sex-starved marriage: A couple's guide to boosting their marriage libido. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Psychological Factors that Affect our Sexual Desire

          There are plenty of psychological factors that can leave you feeling preoccupied or disengaged. 

·         Depression- feeling depressed often interrupts your sleep, makes you feel listless and unmotivated, leaves you feeling weepy or numb, and takes away your appetite or prompts you to overindulge, eating everything in sight.  Depressed people don’t usually enjoy or seek out the company of others.  Seventy-Five percent of depressed people experience a lower sex drive. To make matters worse often antidepressants, can cause sexual dysfunctions, such as problems with arousal, orgasm, or ejaculation and erectile difficulties.  It is essential that you choose your treatment options carefully.  If you have been feeling depressed or your family members have noticed it, trust them.  Get help.  You marriage depends on it.   

·         Sexual, Physical, or Emotional abuse as a child- People who have had traumatic experiences as children sometimes carry unresolved feelings about these experiences into their relationship with their spouses.  They have a difficult time leaving the past in the past.  Intimacy feels threatening and unappealing.  If this is the case for you.  Get professional help. 

·         Poor self-esteem- When you’re feeling crappy about you, it puts a damper on your outlook on everything, including being sexual

·         Body Image- Poor body image is a desire squelcher. It’s essential that you take a crash course in self-acceptance or do something to change things.  Most of us could use a little of both.  

·         Grief over a loss- having lost someone very close to you can definitely be zapping your sex interest.  Sadness and grief are normal, but sometimes grief can keep an incapacitating grip for far too long.  When this happens, it interferes with normal functioning and joy in life. 

·         Motherhood- Beyond hormonal changes some women say they feel changed.  They are mom’s, not sexual being.  However, we are both.  If you fail to understand this, you may start focusing all your attentions on being a mom and will neglect all aspects of your marital relationship.  Don’t let this happen to you. 

·         Midlife Crisis- Many people in the midst of personal introspection of “Life is passing me by” start questioning their marriage and wonder if their spouse is at the root of their existential angst.   

·         Stress and Fatigue- Sometimes our lives are so busy that we can barely breathe.  Sometimes we have nothing left to give and sex seems like a chore.  If this is the case for you, it is time for some simplification and an adjustment in priorities. 

Resolving Psychological Issues

                No matter why you’re feeling unhappy, you need to decide that it’s time to do something to help yourself feel better.  You are responsible for changing the way you feel.  If you are miserable, no amount of wishing and hoping will change that.  You have to take action.  You and you alone, have to decide that your less-than-vibrant mental health has been deadening your passion, and it’s time for a change.  Make a commitment to change your life, no matter what mood you’re in.  Do it for you.  Do it for your marriage.  Do it for your children and future children.  You’re not good for anyone if you’re unhappy with yourself. 

Setting Goals

                The first step is to figure out specifically what it is you want to change.   Write your goals on paper. 

1.       Describe what you want to change about your life rather than what you’re unhappy about- Ask yourself “When I start feeling a bit better, what will I be doing differently?”  Perhaps your response would be “I will be more energetic.” It’s a great start because you are stating what you want, but it lacks action.

2.       Describe your goals in action- What exactly will I be doing that I’m not doing now?  What does being more energetic look like?  Perhaps it is “I’ll get every morning, shower, and exercise.”  Another good question to ask yourself is “How, will my spouse, children, friends, colleagues know when I’m more __________ (energetic, self-accepting, happy, etc.) What will they see me doing that will clue them in that my life has taken a turn for the better?”  Perhaps it’s cooking a nice meal, smiling more, laughing more, joking around, or exercising.

3.       Make sure your goals are broken down into small, do-able steps- Don’t make them to grandiose or unachievable in a reasonable time.  Each goal should be able to achieve within a week or two.  If not, break them down into smaller steps.  Let’s say your goal was to exercise 5 days a week for 30 minutes a day.  That’s a bit much to ask when you are starting at zero, so start with exercising for 15 minutes 2 or 3 days a week and work your way up to your bigger goal.  This will help keep you motivated to achieve your goals.

4.       When you’ve answered “What I am I hoping to change about myself or my life? It’s best to keep it to no more than three items.  It’s best to start small.  Taking one small step won’t resolve all the things that are troubling you, but you will feel a tremendous sense of relief know that you are doing something to improve your outlook and mental health.

5.       Keep track of your progress.  Ask yourself the following questions.  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the best I’ve ever felt and 1 being the worst, how would I have rated things at my lowest point?  How do I rate things now?  Where on the scale do I need to be in order to feel satisfied?  Let’s say your lowest point you were at a 2 and you want to be at an 8.  Currently you are at a 6.  Then ask yourself, “What would be one or two things I could do in the next week that would bring up to a 6 ½ or 7?  Your answers should always be action oriented. 

Don’t wait until the end of your goal to be proud of yourself.  Be proud of each step you take towards that goal.  If you are doing something and it isn’t working.  Do something different.  Don’t give up on your goal, change the plan of how to accomplish your goal.  Zig Ziglar said “Hope is the power that give a person the confidence to step out and try.”  You have the power within you to make your life and your marriage better.  Don’t give up.    

If you decide that you need the help of a therapist, choose a therapist who will help you set goals and keep them in plain view.  If you don’t being to see some progress within a few sessions, discuss this with your therapist.  Seek a therapist who has a future orientation.  One who will ask, “Where do you want to be a week, month, year from now?  And who will help you figure out the specific steps you need to take to get there.  Many therapists think it’s important to understand how your childhood has affected your adult life before finding solutions to your current problems.  However, unless you shift gears and start to discuss what you can do about your situation, you can get stuck in the past.  Although, it can be interesting, insight leads to insight.  Change leads to change.  

Make sure that your therapist is a friend to your marriage, a therapist who understand that marriages involve hard work and have incredible ups and downs.  People who understand this about relationships and are will to do what it takes to work through the rough spots and weather the storm benefit greatly.  Most couples who stick it out through the hard times are very happy they did.  Trust your instincts.  If your therapist is helping, you’ll know it.    

Challenge 

1.     Now it’s your turn.  Set your goals and write them down.  Share your goals with someone, preferably your spouse.  They can be of great assistance in keeping you motivated and on track. It also increases your responsibility and accountability.  Your spouse will be appreciative that you doing something to gain better control of this area of your life.   This can also increase their patience and understanding because they know you aren’t ignoring the problem.