It’s not the absence of conflict that determines whether or not your
relationships are healthy. It’s knowing how
to handle the conflicts that will arise.
It’s desiring to make progress even if it costs me some peace. It’s realizing that peace and progress don’t
often hold hands and operate simultaneously. If you are one who has a tendency
to stuff your feelings, stop. People who
keep negative feelings inside themselves start building walls to protect
themselves. Although that wall may
protect you from hurtful things, it also prevents feelings of love and
intimacy.
In long-term marriages, couples learn how to choose their battles rather
than reacting to every irritating thing.
Think of the few most troubling things and address those issues. Think in action-oriented, positively stated,
do-able terms. When you find solutions,
try them. If they work, keep it, if it
doesn’t come back together and find another option. A key to remember is that if you think there
is a problem, there is a problem. If
your spouse thinks there is a problem, there is a problem. Never assume because it’s not a problem for
you, that it’s fine. You are a team and
if it’s a problem for one, it’s a couple problem.
Sometimes are conflicts are easily solvable, but other things we find
ourselves in situations that are like gridlock.
We are stuck. It seems we are
talking until we are blue in the face, but we get nowhere. Much like a rat running circles on a
wheel. Here are a few signs that you may
be in gridlock.
• The
conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner
• You
keep talking about it, but make no headway
• You
become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge
• When
you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt.
• Your
conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection
• You
becomes even more unbudgeable over time, which leads you to vilify each other
during these conversations
• This
vilification makes you all the more rooted in your position and polarized, more
extreme in your view and all the less will to compromise.
• Eventually
you disengage from each other emotionally.
So what do you do? Realize that some issues may never be solved because
of each of your deep felt beliefs. That’s okay. We are all
individuals and have different opinions. Many of our differences are
character traits such as one likes things to be neat and tidy, and the other
spouse wants to feel comfortable and relaxed in their home. One partner wants
more sex than the other partner. Those
traits aren’t necessarily going to go away.
However, it is what we do with these issues that makes all the
difference. The goal isn’t necessarily
to solve the problem, but to move from gridlock to dialogue so that you can
remove the hurt and the problem stops being a source of great pain in the
relationship. You learn to live with the difference of opinion on the issue.
The goal is to make peace with the issue, accept the differences
between you, and establish some kind of initial compromise that will help you
to continue to discuss the problem amicably.
I’m going to share with you a tool that can be very useful when tackling
big issues that are bothering you. This can help individual problems such
as issues at work, or issues that involve both of you, or your family.
Part of our problem when we communicate with our spouse is that we
haven’t really spent time becoming aware of how we really feel, so how do we
communicate what we don’t know or understand ourselves. A tool, created
by Sherod Miller in 1991, is called the Awareness Wheel. The awareness
wheel will help you become more aware of yourself, once you are familiar with
it, it can help you understand and work with your spouse. We will cover
five zones that will assist you. These zones are: Sensory, Thoughts,
Feelings, Wants, and Action. When you are
working with an awareness wheel, you decide on the problem.
In the sensory zone you pay attention to your body. How are you feeling? Are you tired, grumpy, or sick? If so, you may need to set up another time to
talk. If you are in a good space, and
your spouse is in a good place, then you continue. One partner takes the turn in talking, while
the other one listens. Then the other
spouse, has the opportunity to talk, while you listen.
First you address your thoughts about the problem. Stay focused on the problem itself, not on
the character of your spouse. As an
example. When you reject me in sex I
think you are not attracted to me. I
begin to wonder about the safety of our relationship, etc.
Next, discuss your feelings. I
feel scared, lonely, rejected, etc. when I am rejected. Now the temptations in feelings is to say
something like “I feel like you don’t care.
That is not a feeling. That is a
thought. You think they don’t care. Your feeling is what how that thought makes
you feel. I feel worthless, and
unlovable when you don’t want to be intimate. Your feelings will never start with “I feel
like you……….”
Next, move to the wants. Address
wants for you, for your spouse, and for you as a couple. I want to feel safe in our relationship and
to feel valued. I want you to feel
loved, and I want us to feel close and intimate. A word of caution, many times when we state
what we want for our loved ones, we are stating what we want from them. Be careful that you state what you want your
spouse to have. What is their desire? Sometimes this is easier to address after
they have shared their side of the conflict.
The final step is coming to an action that you would like to
happen. As an example. I would like us to have sex once a week. Maybe when your spouse talks they don’t want
to be harassed about the lack of sex.
This is when you really take to heart what the thoughts, feelings,
desires of your spouse are and the two of you work together towards a
compromise or solution that would work for both of you. For example, maybe you decide that you will
have sex on a certain night of the week (preferably when the lower desired
spouse is the most relaxed, like a Saturday, because she/he has your help around the house or no pressures from work), but
then you agree not to bother your spouse the rest of the week for sex requests
and instead focus on connecting in non-sexual ways throughout the rest of the
week.
The key throughout this interchange is to stay focused on the problem,
never making it about your spouse’s character, to truly listen to what the
other spouse is thinking and feeling, and to work together for a solution that
may work.
After you have
decided on a solution, try it out. Then,
meet together in a week or two and discuss if what you decided on as a solution
is working. What the awareness wheel does
is keep the fighting fair. There are no
slams, digs, and defensiveness. You stay
focused on really hearing your spouse’s side, and expressing your side to the
problem.
Some other
helpful hints in dealing with conflicts.
·
Make sure it is a good time for both of
you. Don’t force your spouse to talk
right now. That will only end
badly.
·
Start off with kindness and I statements- if you
say “You are such a slob, why don’t you pick up your clothes?” How do you think the other person will
respond? Automatically, you have put
your spouse on the defensive. If instead you approach it with “Honey, keeping a
clean home is really important to me. I
would really appreciate if you would please put your laundry in the basket for
me. I know it may seem a bit petty, but
it would make a huge difference in my level of frustration and would make my
job easier.” That’s much less likely to
get an angry rise from the other person.
·
Be specific- “Would you clean up around here”,
versus “Would please take the garbage out.”
One is much clearer on what you are wanting from them.
·
Focus on what action you want, rather than
criticizing.
·
If things get to heated, take a time out-
“Honey, I want to solve this but I am getting too upset, can we take a break
and come back together tomorrow at this same time and finish this discussion” This
is much better than saying hurtful, mean things because you are upset and can’t
think clearly.
·
Don’t mind read or expect them to mind read-
Don’t assume you know what your spouse is thinking. You don’t. Many times we assume they are
thinking what we fear most about ourselves.
Most of the time that is not the case.
No one wants to be second-guessed.
Don’t assume he/she should be able to read your mind. They are not psychic. You must tell them.
·
Leave the past in the past- Stay focused on the
current problem. No one wants to be
reminded of all the past mistakes that have been made.
·
No exaggeration- “You never do anything nice for
me!” “You always do this!” This simply isn’t true. No one always or never does something.
·
No name calling- If name calling begins, take a
time out. It’s very difficult to recover
when someone is slamming your character. No problems will ever be resolved this
way so you are better to stop the discussion and resume when you are both
calm.
·
Don’t get discouraged if your partner doesn’t
follow your lead right away- you’ve had years to develop bad habits. Don’t give up. Eventually, they should come around. Stay focused on the new tools and continue to
practice.
Conflict is a normal, healthy part in any relationship. Conflict isn’t the problem, it’s what we do
with it that becomes the problem. Better
communication skills help you rise above your differences and teaches you how
to deal with the diversity between you.
If you want to feel more connected, if you want to build your
friendship, it’s essential that you learn better ways to communicate your
thoughts and feelings with one another.
As you focus on using better communication skills, you will develop
greater intimacy in all aspects of your marriage.
Challenge
1. Set
a time and date to discuss a problem as a couple. Decide what it is that you will be
addressing. This gives both of you time
to put your thoughts, feelings, wants, and actions together in your mind before
you come together.
2. Practice
listening to one another and not interrupting your spouse
3. Practice
the using these skills in a trouble topic for you. It can be helpful to try it on a smaller issue that isn't so sensitive first.
References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver,
N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.
Miller, S.,
Miller P., Nunnally, E. &Wackman, D. (1991). Couple Communication I:
Talking and Listening (p. iii). Colorado: Interpersonal Communication
Programs
Weiner-Davis, M. (2003). The
sex-starved marriage: A couple's guide to boosting their marriage libido.
New York: Simon & Schuster.
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